Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Well we dodged a bullet. My stepson's girlfriend is NOT pregnant! According to a blood test performed by the doctor. It's all very emotional. I am very happy she's not pregnant, but hate all the drama. These are the times I feel soo guilty for making my husband move to Florida. The distance makes everything so much more difficult. It's all very confusing. I guess that is what you have to expect when getting important information like this from a 17 year old kid. Apparently, he and his girlfriend have been having problems, and I can only guess this was her attempt to keep him, or some crazy thing that teenagers do to each other.


Surgery update: I'm feeling pretty darn good. Still sore. I haven't eaten any real food (unless you consider Jell-O real food) since Friday, the 24th. And I'm not hungry at all. I want to be, but it ain't happening. Water and broth make my belly hurt, I couldn't imagine real food.

Thanks for all the prayers!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Thank You!

We are home, finally! My husband had a hard time in recovery so they kept us a little while longer than we expected. They gave us the option of staying the night, but we both wanted to come home.

The surgery went well. We both had hiatal hernias, DH's worse than mine.

We are both pretty sore, but not too bad. The gas they pump into your body is the worst. I have never had abdominal surgery before, so I had no idea what it felt like. I now have much sympathy for all the girls that have had to have laps.

Thank you for your prayers, I felt them.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Prayer Request

Tomorrow my husband and I will be having surgery (lap-band). I've mentioned it before, but tomorrow is the big day. I'm excited and maybe a little nervous, but not scared. It's been a long time coming.

I've been overweight my whole life. I was always active in sports (as a kid) and healthy, but chunky. I was always the fat friend and I was ok with it. I was told I have high blood pressure about 8 months ago, and then told I shouldn't get pregnant at this weight and FINALLY decided it was time to do something about it. So here we are.

I have tried dieting, but would lose 20-30 pounds tops and then slowly gain it back over time. I would gain a few pounds a year, every year.

My husband has a different story. He was always healthy and fit until in 2003-2004 he somehow gained 100 lbs in the matter of about 6-8 months. It was crazy! We took one of his suits to the cleaner, he tried to wear it 2 weeks later and it wouldn't fit. I mean not even close!! He was put on testosterone, synthroid and diabetes medication and lost 100 lbs in about a year. He has slowly gained about 50-60 pounds back.

A co-worker asked me the other day, "why now." My only answer, "because I want babies." How simple can it be?

Friday, December 24, 2010

Well it happened...

my 17 year old stepson and his girlfriend are having a baby. DAMMIT!

They are typical kids. This is the information we got: "she took one those tests and it was positive". "She hasn't had her period for a couple of months". That's all we know. They have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday to confirm.

I can't say I'm surprised, but I can say I'm pretty pissed off (read: devastated). He is apparently going to move in with his girlfriend and her father.

How are they going to do this? How are we going to do this?

Merry Christmas and Prayer Buddy

Merry Christmas!!! I am happy to be home with my family. All of my sisters and their respective significant others are coming today. We'll have a house full, but it will be fun! This Advent season went by incredibly fast for me. I can't believe Christmas is here already! I love Christmas and the way it brings families together. The good times and memories, and not to mention the good food.

I had the pleasure of praying for Angela. I had been reading her blog for a while (but a very bad commenter). I prayed for the return of the elusive, missed placed CDs. I would like to take credit for her finding them, because I prayed one day and miraciously they were found the next, but I cannot. It was a miracle! HA!

Angela, I was so happy when you found out you were pregnant, so of course I prayed for the little one growing in your womb. I asked your little Mary Grace in heaven to watch over her mommy, daddy and big sister, but especially her little brother.

God bless you!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Quick Takes

1. I have to work tomorrow....YUCK!

2. The reason I have to work tomorrow: I do not have to work from Dec 17 - Jan 4th. So I can't really complain too much. That's what my company gets for "use it or lose it" vacation policy! BAWHAHAH

3. I am soo happy for all the new mommies in the blogosphere!!! All the new babies are beautiful!

4. My husband and I went to Savannah, GA earlier this week (for work) and got to sight see a little. We went to the Cathedral there and it was beautiful! I love going to Churches outside the norm.

5. I have an exam in January to be a "certified paralegal" and my studying skills SUCK!!! There's no way I'm going to pass. The only good news, I can take it again in May when I flunk it (notice I did say IF I flunk it)! SOOO NOT GOOD!

6. I love my husband, even though he's grumpy today! Maybe he should've fell asleep when I did at 7:00 last night. I LOVE me some sleep!!!

7. CD1 was Wednesday...BOOO! Getting pregnant would be a disaster right now with surgery scheduled for December 27th. But a welcome blessing still!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My personality...

I took the quiz suggested by JBTC (I'm an ISFJ a "protector") and this is what it says:

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.

In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.

While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.

Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem.

This is pretty much me. There are a few things I disagree with, but for the most part, it's right on.

I've never taken one these before, it was interesting. My husband is an ESTJ and COMPLETELY opposite of me. Maybe that's why we work together?! :)

Saturday, November 27, 2010

It's that time again...

for prayer buddies! I'm so excited! I find it much easier to prayer for someone else. I always feel like a whiny petulant child when I pray for myself! HA!

I haven't been blogging much, no excuses, just no ambition I guess. I have these brilliant ideas floating around in my head, but I can never make them materialize. I have been reading and keeping up with everyone, like AYWH's new arrival!

Thanksgiving was great. I love being home with my family, but felt really guilty that my husband wasn't home with his. When he called his mom, they were both crying. My husband is the first child to move more than 10 minutes away. I'm surprised his parents still talk to me and don't hate me for dragging him across the country.

Black Friday was a good time as well. Myself and 2 of my 3 sisters went out shopping. We're not die hard stay up all night and start shopping at midnight people. We got up at 6:30am and got to the mall about 8:00am. Good bonding time. :)

Good news: my weight loss surgery was approved by insurance and should be scheduled soon! (I promise a post is coming on this, if for nothing else, to tell the story of meeting with a psychologist for the first time in my life)

Bad news: I am more baby hungry than ever, and my husband is even worse. I feel like a bad wife for not being able to give him a baby.

Updates on my last few posts:
My Uni.ted W.ay party went very well. We raffled off A LOT of good prizes and everyone had fun with their kids. All in all successful. OH and we raised over $100,000.00!!! Whoo hoo!

The guy that was electrocuted (see my prayer requests e-mail) is home and doing fine. He was burned pretty badly and lost a couple of toes, but is going to be ok.

My friends BIL that was in the car accident is still in the ICU and still in a medically induced coma. The worst day was the day I posted the prayer request. The family was told they should start preparing for his death. The "worst 24 hours ever" my friend told me, and then he started turning around. I know it was all the prayers being offered! He's still not out of the woods, but he is doing OK. It is still touch and go, but it is looking a little more positive every day.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Prayer Requests

Please pray...

A friend's brother in law was involved in a very serious car accident. It took over an hour for him to be extricated from the car. Both of his femurs are broken. He face is also factured. They are keeping him in a medically induced coma. Fluid has started building in his lungs due to trauma and pnuemonia. He has also contracted MRSA. His blood pressure is through the roof at 200/100 plus. It is an hour by hour situation. He isn't even 30. It is sad.

The other is a man from the town I grew up in. He was electocuted and burned pretty bad. He works for the power company. He was in a boom, and he bumped into the power line and he grounded the circuit and electrocuted. (I'm not sure if I got all the electric lingo correct.) Everyone in the small town is pretty shaken up about it. No one ever thinks it will happen to someone they know. From what I hear, he is doing ok, but could use some prayers. They do not know about long term damage.

Thank you for any prayers you can spare.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Ideas (totally not IF related)

I need some ideas. HELP! The company I work for is have a three week campaign to raise money for the Unit.ed Wa.y. I have the "wrap-up" party on the final day. I've picked out the location ( & Bus.ters) and the food. I need ideas for gifts/prizes to raffle off.

This is where the help part comes in :) What would you suggest I purchase (or get donated) to be raffled off.

Here are some things we already have:
Jacksonville Jaguars tickets
Airline tickets
Car rental vouchers

My ideas (smaller):
Starbucks gift card
Best Buy gift card & Bus.ter Power Play card

Thanks in advnace for any and all help!!!

Saturday, October 16, 2010


Is this not the cutest shower cake you have ever seen?!?!

Friday, October 15, 2010

7 Quick Takes

1. I am sunburned. Ouch! Thankfully only my face, neck and not too bad. The company I work for is raising money for the United Way. We had a carnival and it was a lot of fun. Dunking Head of Operations, etc is FUN! :)

2. I have to go to a baby shower tomorrow. 'Nuff said.

3. I hate laundry. I feel like I've been putting it off for forever. I am paying for it now. YUCK!

4. Tomorrow is football day!! GO GATORS!!

5. I love to watch my parents dog beg for a treat after going potty outside. He stands up on his hind legs and "swims" with his front legs. It is SOO CUTE!

6. I have nothing number 7. Sorry guys!!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

10 Minutes

It only takes 10 minutes from my house to get to...

Isn't it beautiful!

My husband's backside...maybe not so beautiful. HA!


Beach on Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday!! Life is good!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Why I Stayed

I've been thinking a lot about why I stayed with my husband after the affair. I don't regret my decision at all. Sometimes I think the easier thing to do would've been to leave. It's just been on my mind a lot lately and I'm not sure why.

My first thought about why I stayed has more to do with how he handled the news that I was leaving. I'm not the threatening kind (usually). If I threaten, I follow through. The timeline from the confrontation fight to the "I'm leaving" news was about 3 months. We had slept in different bedrooms. We gave each other space. We. were. miserable. I had been homesick for months. So I was done. I told him and for the first time he cried and really let me see how hurt HE was. He didn't yell, he didn't even really beg me to stay. He stayed calm and told me he loved me and didn't know what he would do without me. That he was sorry and hated what he did to us. It was horrible, I felt bad for wanting to leave him, even after what he had done to me. I HATE to hurt people's feelings. Especially people I love. I feel like I'm letting them down.

I left that night to stay at a friends. I didn't want him talking me into staying. Gheez I was an idiot! After about 2 hours at my friends house, I went back home. He was my best friend and even though he had hurt me more than anyone else ever had, I wanted to be with him.

I would like to say, I stayed with him because of my deep belief in marriage. Catholics don't like divorce ya know :) Ha! I knew I didn't want to be divorced, but that was not the driving factor behind it. I did take my marriage vows seriously, still do, so that probably had something to do with it.

I prayed and begged God to help me make the right decision concerning my life. It was a big one. I had my new single life already mapped out. I was going to go back to school and live with my parents for a while. But I couldn't do it.

I wasn't meant to be single. I love being married. Love. it. I love the bond, the sharing, the intimacy. How can it get any better than living with your best friend?

So I guess my decision to stay married came down to gut reactions and God. He gave me the peace I needed and my DH gave me the support I needed.

It is amazing to me, when I think about all the decision I (or anyone else) makes that effects the rest of our lives. Something as simple as which school to go to, where you could meet your soul something as complicated as getting married or divorced. All these decisions make people who they are today. The good and the bad.

MTA has been MIA

I have been MIA. I blame it on laziness, busy-ness and just not feeling it...mostly laziness. I just haven't felt up to writing posts. I've been reading everyone's posts, but not commenting very much. Know that you are all in my prayers.

I had my first jealously breakdown. My SIL announced her pregnancy two weeks ago and is now about 15 weeks. She is 6 years younger than me. She's pregnant and This was the first pregnancy announcement that actually made me cry. In the car crying. Then I felt like a horrible person. The silver lining is, she's married and has been married for 3 or 4 years. They are good kids.

My birthday is today. I turned the big 31 and still no where near closer to having a baby than I was a year ago. BOO! We are still about a year out from TTC again too. It sucks, but I know it's the right thing to do. Lose weight, be healthy, have healthy babies. Hopefully get rid of PCOS. Oohh la la life would be wonderful.

The good thing about today was some FOOTBALL. Alabama LOST which is always good!! However, Florida lost too which is NOT so good. I thought they were going to pull it out there in the end, but those tricky LSU dudes...dangit!

I realize this post is all over the place. Sorry! If you made it through, God bless you!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Pitty Party is Over

I finally put my big girl panties on and my pitty party is over. AF does some mean things to a girls hormones! I hate it. I did not want to look at the bummer post anymore!

My hubby and I are watching Monday Night Football. Go Ravens. Not becuase I'm a die hard Ravens fan, but becuase I went to high school with one of their players! It's my home town's only claim to fame.

I'm soo glad football season has come! Whoo hoo!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I need a change...

I need a change. I'm not exactly sure what it is. Maybe its the hormones fromthe start of a new cycle. CD 1 was yesterday. Maybe I'm just bored. I feel antsy. Unease and unrest. I'm not sure why?

It could be I haven't been to mass in forever. It could be that I feel like I live a very BORING life. We have no friends in Jacksonville, maybe that's it. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start and I hate it. I'm not sure why I just don't start whatever it is I'm waiting for.

I feel like I have no destination. We are not trying to get pregnant right now...maybe I've lost my identity? I asked my husband today "since we're not TTC, should I get on drugs (antidepressants)?" He asked me why. The only reason I could give him is, I guess I need a pick me up? I just feel BLAH and I HATE IT!

I just want more, but I have everything I need. Everything I want? NO. We don't own a house, but we have a roof over our heads. We need to buy a newer car, but the one we have works. I need to learn how to be happy with what I have and my life the way it is...or quit bitching about it and do something.

Any suggestions? Am I the only one who feels this way?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Meme: 10 Surprising Things

I was tagged by Shannon at

1. I love playing video games with my husband. My favorite are the Lego games (Lego Star Wars and Lego Harry Potter). I'm a geek!

2. I used to get tonsilitis ALL THE TIME as a kid. The doctor would never remove them though.

3. I'm getting the Lap-Band. (there will be a whole post on this)

4. My highest cell phone bill ever was $800.00. Yes, that was one month!!

5. I'm opinionated. Very stinkin' opinionated.

6. I sucked two fingers on my right hand until I was 13. My poor mom tried EVERYTHING to get me to stop. She loved it when I was a baby, but hated it when I got older. The only reason I think I ever stopped is because I broke one of them playing softball in the 8th grade.

7. When I was 2, I almost got the toes on my rigth foot cut off by an escalator. I was barefoot at the Tampa International Airport.

8. I love college football...GO GATORS!!

9. My husband and I almost eloped. The only reason we didn't, is because I was the first to get married out of all my sisters. I didn't want to disappointment my parents.

10. My first car was a Ford Fairmont and it was BROWN. The thing was HIDEOUS. My second car was a Mercury Zephyr that looked just like the Fairmont. Apparently, the person who owned the Zephyr before me smoked weed. The second week I had it they had the drug dog at school. He alerted to my car. I was pulled out of class and they called my dad. Thank goodness my dad knew I was a good kid and told the cops we had just got the car!

I'm not going to tag anyone to do this fun little game. I think most people already have been. I think everyone should do it though!

God bless!!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Dang Adrenals *UPDATE*

So I got 1 of the 2 blood test results regarding my adrenals today. We went to the RE today for my husband's results, but I got them to give me copies of results as well. They have not discussed the results with me. I got the Cortisol AM test results and boy am I out of whack!!! This is the test that I took the dexamethazone the night before.

Cortisol AM
.5 (normal 4.0 - 22.0)

WHOA! From what I can figure out with Dr. Google, it points to Addisons Disease. I have an appointment with the RE in a week or two. I am bothered that they didn't call and try to fix this right away. Obviously this is WRONG! Why are they waiting to try to fix it?!?!

My husband still has low testosterone...of course. We were hoping it would normalize. His was 166 (normal 500-1100). Poor guy. They gave him a perscription for HCG and he should be feeling much better soon. Apparently, he can stay on this long term and the doctor believes insurance will pay for it (as long as we don't mention trying to have a baby). So double YAY for that!

Apparently, the Dexamethasone they gave me the night before is supposed to supress the cortisol. After googling the test and the results, my results should have been less than 1.8. The normal ranges on the lab sheet are I can only assume, what should be normal without the Dexamethasone the night before. There is still a problem with my cortisol level being too high. This just crosses off Cushing Syndrome from the list. I am waiting on the ACTH. All this information is coming from me and doctor google. This is why pateints like me should NOT be given test results before they are explained by the doctor! I think I have a PhD...too bad Dr. Google doesn't count!!!

Friday, August 20, 2010


I was watching House tonight. The episode had a very sick nun and one of the doctors volunteered to pray with her and cited this bible verse and it stuck with me.

Peter 1:7 These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold -- and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

It didn't make me think of my trials however. I think I have a pretty good/easy life. No drama, my family is great. My job is secure (I like it most days).

It actually made me think of all the other IF bloggers out there. The ones who have lost babies they were supposed to receive via adoption...and others through miscarriage. I can only hope if I have to endure these things one day, I can handle it with the grace and faith in God and His plan in which they did.

We all have trials, we get closer to God on how we handle them. I am glad to be a part of the Catholic IF community (and our non-IF bloggers :). It strengthens my faith by witnessing others. I just wanted to say thank you.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Prayer Buddy Reveal

Praying for this young lady was an honor. I prayed for Shannon at (I am not smart enough to hyperlink!)

She is an amazingly faithful woman (and not to mention, beautiful). She loves her faith and her God. I've been reading her blog for a year or more, long before I was a blogger myself. I believe she's want any woman would want in a friend.

I prayed for her daily (well almost daily). Sorry! I tried, really! :) I offered up pain from an HSG and anxiousness from my husband's surgery. She sure kept me busy with all the traveling, becoming certified as a speech-language pathologist, moving, trying to find a new job, a prospective new guy and her vocation she's so ready to start. She's been a busy woman.

Shannon may God bless you!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Quick Takes

So...I'm finally falling in line with the Friday afternoon Quick Takes. It's my first, so bear with me.

1. I've had nothing to blog about. Sorry! :) I know, I know, you SOOOO want to keep reading!!!

2. My husband is doing crazy well! I'm so impressed. He almost has full range of motion back after his knee surgery last week. He's also doing things he's not supposed to...stubborn ass man!! God knows I love him though!!

3. Can I just say I HATE HATE HATE looking for a place?!?! We're just looking for an apartment right now. We have been living in an Extended Stay for TOO LONG! It's so discouraging. With the hubby's record, it's hard to find a decent place. It's amazing how what you did so many years ago can keep haunting you and everyone around you. Oh well, we keep on keeping on. What choice do we have, KWIM?

4. I've lost 7 more pounds in the last week or so. My RE's nurse gave me a 10 pound goal for the month of August. I think I'll make it. No carb is HARD, but I feel SO MUCH BETTER! I can't believe it. I don't feel sluggish (well sometimes my sugar gets a little low), more energy, not so much brain fog. Today was a cheat day and I feel like I'm dragging ass!! I can't wait for the day to end so I can go home and lay down. I hate that.

5. I feel SOO MUCH BETTER now that I'm back on my Synthroid. I'm human again. I still HATE getting up in the mornings, but I've been like that since I was a kid. I don't think I can blame it on anything, other than I love to sleep.

6. I'm so excited about the prayer buddy reveal this weekend, I'm pissing my pants in excitement! HA!

7. There are some really great things happening with adoptions and BFP news lately!! There are also a couple of not so great things. Some miscarriages and an adoption that didn't happen (and those are the only ones I know of). Please know I pray for you. All of you, the good and bad. I can't believe how emotional it all is. You wouldn't think reading a blog would make you feel like you know someone, but it does. I cry when reading about losing babies, both biological and adopted. It's truly heartbreaking. And I cry some more when the long elusive BFPs are announced. It's amazing, really. God bless you all!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Busy *Updated with results*

I've been working a lot of overtime trying to get my office (ok, cubicle) moved. I didn't realize how much crap I actually had.

My husband had knee surgery today. He'd been having problems but with a X-rays and MRIs they couldn't figure out what was wrong. Well he took a little tumble down the stairs on Monday and had it. His doctor would go in arthroscopically to see what was going on. Well he had a torn miniscus, his knee cap was not smooth and he has a "hole in his bone". He has to use crutches for a month! No weight bearing at all. It's his right knee, so he can't drive. I'm having to take so much time off work, I wonder how I will ever catch up.

I feel so bad for him. I know it hurts (i had my ACL/MCL blown a few years ago). He's a big guy (6'1" and about 270lbs), watching him use crutches is pitiful.

I got all my test results from the RE. I failed my 3 hour glucose test spectacularly. I mean SERIOUSLY FAILED. I am 12 points away from being classified as a diabetic. SCARY! My testosterone is 44 = HIGH! Very HIGH! My TSH was high. My ACTH (adrenal test I believe) was through the roof. Normal is 2-27 mine was 54. No wonder I feel like shit! I need help from all you adrenal people!! I had the Cotrosyn and the Dexamethazone tests, but am still waiting for results. What is wrong with me?!?!

I was told low/no carb diet again. This time it suck in..because for crying out loud I do not want to be a diabetic. It runs in my family, I've seen what it can do, and it ain't pretty!

So between work, my poor hubby and my own stuff, it's been a sucky week. I don't think I'm ever going to dig out of the back log.

I am soo happy about all the adoption news and BFPs!! It is all so exciting!! God bless our prayer buddies!

Below are the tests and results...

Glucose Tolerance Test:
Fasting - 86
1 Hr - 188 (200 is the cut off for diabetes)
2 Hr - 172
3 Hr - 95

Insulin Response to Glucose Tolerance Test:
Fasting - 14
1 Hr - 131 (normal range 8-112)
2 Hr - 331 (normal range 5-55)
3 Hr - 154 (normal range 3-20)

Vitamind D
21ng/ml (normal 30-100)


T4, Free

T3, Total

ACTH, Plasma
52 (normal 5-27)

44 (normal 2-45)

Hydroxyprogesterone (i have no idea what this is)
48 (normal 285 or less for luteal phase)

C-Reactive Protein
1.48 (normal should be less than .80)

HPV - positive (the kind that causes cerivcal cancer, not herpes)

2.9 (normal 1.5 - 9.1 for luteal phase)


Saturday, July 31, 2010


I don't ovulate. Isn't that wonderful! [insert sarcasm]. ARG!

I had my first internal ultrasound yesterday. I learned I have a cyst "beside" my cervix. Whatever that means? I have two ovaries that like to hide. I thought she was going to stick the probe out of my side trying to find one of them. One of those pesky little guys is sitting on top of my uterus? WTH?

And the best part...I was on CD13 (according to them, CD 14 according to me), have BEAUTIFUL mucus and NO FOLLICLES?!?!?! Not a one. Bummer!

I have an appointment Monday to go over all my test results for everything I've had done for the last 6 weeks. It should be exciting!

In other non-IF news, I took yesterday off from work and it was soo nice! Our entire office is moving from one floor of our building to another. I have so much stuff, it was unstinkin' believable. The packing up is all done, the movers are moving as we speak, and unpacking starts Monday. I'm still mad I have to be in a cubicle instead of an office, but at least it's a WAY bigger cube. Stupid cubes!

I'm not doing so good with my diet. I keep going up and down, up and down and never actually getting anywhere. I need a lot more will power...does anyone have any to share? :)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Ouchie Mama!!

I have been MIA - just nothing exciting going on in my life. BORING!

I had a HSG this morning and holy crap did it hurt. Today was the first day I have ever thought "man, I'm not going to be able to have a med-free labor." The speculum was first, then the catheter for the dye. When she put the catheter up there, I thought I was going to CRAWL OFF THE TABLE!!! I've never felt so much pressure in my life. It was like taking all the normal cramps I get during my period and putting them into 5 minutes. OUCHIE!!!!

The nurse tells me before she starts, some people say it doesn't hurt and some people say it's like menstrual cramps. BULL SH*T! I told her the people that say it doesn't hurt....THEY LIE!!! She laughed.

So the right tube is open, left tube isn't. DANG IT! I have a heart shaped uterus and apparently it is not retroverted (well today anyway).

My husband do they fix it? I said surgery I that right? I always have ovulation pain on the left side...NEVER the right. The one tube that's open doesn't ovulate (as far as I can tell). HOW WONDERFUL! (sarcasm)

Also, does anyone feel like their uterus and their bowels are linked. She put the catheter in and it felt like I was going to crap myself! HAHA! I'm just wondering if that's normal?

My husband is more than likely going to have to have knee surgery. He has a piece of bone floating around in his knee and a torn miniscus (they believe). Prayer Buddy - one more thing to add to the ever growing list :)

OH - the receptionist at the RE said to have a blood test done on CD21. They actually mean 7dpo, right?

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Decisions Decisions and Prayer Buddy

I’ve seen a few people post things they wanted their prayer buddy to pray specifically for. I’ve got one (or 100). I want to know what to do with myself. I’m 30 and at a self-proclaimed cross road. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Here are the different routes…

1) The company I work for has almost 100% tuition reimbursement. Of course, you have to choose a major that will benefit them (it’s a chemical company). I’ve been a paralegal for years. I’ve been doing intellectual property (patents, trademarks, etc) for 8 years. I’ve been told I would make a great lawyer. That I need to go to school, get an undergrad in business (or chemistry) and then go to law school. It’s a great opportunity, but I don’t know that I WANT to do it. OH, and there’s a 5 year contract to sign.

2) I want to do something in the medical field. I know completely way off from what I’m doing now. I LOVE everything medical. The early part of last year, I was planning to start school in January 2010 (I have to start from the very beginning, I have NO college credits.) to become a nurse. Then came the affair and moving and the plans went out the window. The problem with it, how do I make this happen logistically. My husband can’t make enough money to support us. I know nursing is a full time college career.

3) Keep on keeping on. Stay where I am with what I'm doing...focus on making a baby and just figure out how to be happy with how life is.

What do I do?!?! Now I know myself pretty well. And I’m not content with a whole lot of things. I’m a “grass is greener” person. I always want what I can’t have and I get bored VERY easily. I’m not exactly happy with my job, but I get paid well. The company takes pretty good care of it’s employees (health insurance, bonuses, etc). I’m terrified if I leave this to pursue a nursing career, in a year I’ll hate it…then what?

If I stay here, take the lawyer route, who knows? Am I cut out for corporate America?

What to do, what to do? Any suggestions? So prayer buddy, this is my request….clarity. I would love a flashing sign from the heavens, but that ain’t going to happen, so I’ll take something, anything to let me know which way I should go. Is the easier road the best option? I would make a good attorney (I think) and with tuition reimbursement, who can complain…but is it what I WANT to do?!?

AHHHHHH Dear Lord Help Me. This is why I never went to college. Too many choices, the next one always better than the first. I could never make up my mind. The other quirk about me is…I tend to make decisions harder than they have to be.

I need to learn contentment too, I believe. Why can’t I just be happy with what I am and what I have?

And work a baby into either of the situations above. Because one or another…we’re having a baby!!! (I’ll need all the prayers I can get for this plan too!)

Oh, I also wanted to mention how exicted I am for prayer buddies..summer edition. I'm also super excited for the girl I get to pray for. Did I mention it's exciting?! There are always great things that follow!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Happy Birthday Bubba

Today is my husband's 41st birthday. He is such a party pooper. He HATES birthdays! So I gave him free reign. I told him to decide what he wanted to do, where to go to dinner everything!

He has this's call Ma.fia on He loves it. So instead of getting something great that he could use, or eat or do anything else with...he wants to spend money to play a computer game. Call me a girl...but STUPID! :)

Oh well...his birthday.

So in honor of The's a list (i've seen it on other blogs).

1. He is hilarious!!! A complete disaster. He can crack me up like none other and I love that.

2. He's a good daddy. Even though I dragged him 2200 miles away from his kids...I know that he loves them, and most of all, they know it too.

3. He takes care of me. After my ACL/MCL (knee) surgery, I was out of commission for weeks. He made me breakfast, made me take my pain pills (on time) and was just amazing! I hope if anything ever happens to him, I can take care of him the way he took care of me. I know I'll be completely spoiled when (if) I get pregnant. OOOHHH bring it on!!

4. He's a big baby. Not a whiner...just emotional. He can make me feel loved like no one else can. He cries at the movies (and lies about it later...of course!!) HAHA!

5. He's faithful. He loves God and his Church. Someone has to keep me in check :)

6. He HAS BABY FEVER!!!! Worse than I do I think. He wants a little girl soooo bad. He OOHS and AAHHS at all babies. It's soo cute.

7. He has road rage. HA!

8. He loves his family. He had a great-grandmother who he spent A LOT of time with as a little boy. The way he talks about her, oh he loved that woman. He talks about her with such reverence. I came up with 8. That's OK right?

I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July!!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I hate needles

Truly I do. I am the hardest person to get blood from. I get it from my dad; my little sister has the same problem. I guess crappy veins runs in the family!

Anyhow, I FINALLY went in to get all the blood work the RE ordered and had the lovely 3 hr glucose test. I walked away looking like a drug addict. When they stick me, I don't end up with just a pink little dot...oh hell no, I have some big ol' bruises. Two on each hand, two in one elbow and one in the other elbow. OUCH!!!

Nothing else new to report. If we can track down some Dexamethasone from a pharmacy, I'll be getting stuck again in the morning. (it's to test for cushings syndrome)

I've been MIA because there's nothing else going on. My parents are on vacation in South Carolina visiting family...and I'm stuck at work. Yup, completely jealous.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

1 Pound Down

only a gazillion more to go. ICK! It's kind of depressing, but kind of exciting all at the same time. I hate losing weight because it is soo slow. I like instant gratification! HA!

I didn't change too much other than not eating everything in site! I even had a cheeseburg this weekend...and it was SOO YUMMY!

I need to get on the band wagon seriously. This 1 pound could've been 3-5 pounds had I NOT had a cheese burger. What is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?!



Thanks for responding to my post yesterday. Sew...I know "friend to friend" ;)

Just to clarify - my stepsons do not live with me, nor were they raised with any kind of serious religion. There mom and dad were Mormon, but not very active. The boys don't believe much of anything really. It's sad.

I hope with my own babies, I can raise them to did Sew put it "Catholic leaders of tomorrow"??. But yes, I want to raise cute little Catholic babies, who love the Lord and do not want to offend Him. But with these boys...I'm just trying to keep from becoming a grandma before I'm a mom. And no...i would never recommend the morning after pill or abortion. If they did get pregnant, I would DEFINITELY encourage adoption.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

This is some very deep stuff...

There has been a lot of deep thinking going on the blog world. IVF, embryos, birthcontrol, abortion, racism, etc.

It's all horrible in on way or another. However, I am apparently not that great a catholic.

Here are SOME of thoughts...

IVF - I wouldn't do it, but I have thought about it. And to be perfectly honest, if I wasn't married to a better man than me, I might. Desparation make people do crazy things. I'm just not sure. Since I am married to this husband of mine forever, there will be no IVF in my future. God knew me better than I did when he sent Bubba to me.

Embryos - I would consider doing embryo adoption. The babies are going to either die or stay frozen forever. What's wrong with giving them a loving home. Other than how they are created, how is it any different than adoption. *Although, there was an idea (on another blog) of having the mothers have the babies and give them up for adoption. That idea I kind of liked. But, we'd be forcing them to do it...and that's not right.

Birthcontrol - Again, I wouldn't do it. I've learned enough about my body to know when and how to not get pregnant. BUT, I do tell my step-son to use birthcontrol. He's 16 and he and his girlfriend have sex. Is it really that bad to encourage them to be safe about it. We've had the abstinance talk...but come on...we were all 16 at one time. It ain't gonna happen.

Abortion - Hate it. I still get torn sometimes between a womans right to choose and pro-life. I would NEVER ever do it, but I wonder who am I to tell someone else they can't. I know, not very Catholic of me.

Racism - there is no defending it, there is no rationalizing it. It is plain wrong. People are people are people. Black, white, doesn' matter. God made them all and loves them all.

There, I'm done. I know some of these view points will not be well recepted, however, I felt to need to get it all out there. I may regret this in about 10 minutes, but at that point it's too late.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

I have a great dad. I didn't always think so as a teenager, but as an adult, I think he's amazing. He makes me laugh, teases me, punches me and is an over all disaster. ;) Happy Father's Day Pops!!

My husband is a great dad too. Today I am feeling guilty for dragging him across the country...away from his boys. They live in SLC, UT with their mom and we're in Florida. I know its hard for him. Somtimes I hate it. BUT it was best move for our marriage and myself that we moved here. I try to cut myself some slack, but today is a feeling guilty day for my husband. His oldest son just graduated high school and his youngest son will be a junior this year. I try to tell myself that they're at the age where they don't really need him, but a kid always needs their dad.

Hopefully this time next year, he'll have a little one here. Happy Father's Day Honey! I love you more than words.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Birth Control & Questions

I was reading Sew's post from this morning and it reminded me of something from my conversion story.

I took BCPs for a couple of months when I was about 19. I didn't like having to take a pill everyday, so I quit. Anyways, while we were in RCIA, I asked about birth control. I think I heard growing up, that Catholics don't use birth control. My husband and I had a talk about it, then took it to the Deacon who taught our class. Yup, that's right he said NO BIRTHCONTROL!! I was like WTF?!?!

My mother, God bless her, was one of those "fertile myrtle's" we all hate. ) She was one that would say the dreaded sentence "all he has to do is look at me, and i'm pregnant." Yup that's her! So naively, so very naively, I thought it would be the same way for me. My husband already had two kids (by "accident"). If we can't use birth control, how many kids will we have?!?! OH NO!! I was freaking out. I could have how many kids by the time I hit menopause?!?!?!?!?

The thoughts were running through my mind of how I could go to the doctor, get the pill, and not let my husband know about it. I know, I know I'm horrible! Then we learned about NFP, and in my young horny mind, I thought.....a week or more with no sex?!?! WHAT?!?!

My husband made it seem like no big deal. I don't care what he says, he was always better than me at this stuff.

Then we realized we had fertility problems. I guess God does have a sense of humor. I wish he could've come up with a better plan to teach me, than infertility. :) :)

Oh for what it's worth, I am one of four girls and my dad did have a vasectomy. I can tell you that abstaining from sex during fertile times was not even a blip on my radar until I became Catholic. It really is a beautiful thing, all of it. Too bad making a baby isn't as easy as I thought (dreaded) it would be.

I am grateful for my Catholic faith. Especially when I've seen how much I've grown. I wish I could say I put 100% trust in God and His plan for me, but that would be a lie. I have control issues. God knows this. I think that's why, everytime I think I've got it figured out, he throws a wrench in my plan, just to let me know...I'm not in control of anything. I love it!!!


In cycle news, I'm on CD6. I haven't gotten a Creighton instructor yet, but I'm curious about it, so answer my questions....please :)

I thought I saw on someone's blog that the best quality CM is the kind that stretches for days. I read in a sympto-thermal book that stretchy is great, rbut the really liquidy CM (almost like a water based lube) was better. What does Creighton say? And does ovulation occur on the last day of fertile CM or can it occur in the middle, depending on the type of CM?

Ok, TMI here, but I have another question. I bled for 1.5 days this cycle (it started Monday morning at around 8:00 and by 3:00 the next day..hardly nothing). Then it was spotting for another 2. Isn't that odd? What could cause that? I usually bleed for 3 days...then it comes to an abrubt halt, and starts up again the next day, but way lighter and usually just spotting.

Thanks for any advice!!!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

My Conversion

Well, I was received into the church on Easter of 2006. I never thought I would see the day. Being raised VERY Mormon, I grew up being taught and believing that the Catholic church was the "great and abominable" church. Rude. I know. But true. In 2002 I started rethinking my Mormon faith. I was growing distant from my church and my faith. I believed in God, but the story of Joseph Smith and temple workings were just too much for me to buy into anymore.

I met and married my husband. For a year he kept saying I want to go to Mass, I want to join the Catholic church. Bear in mind, that he was raised more Mormon than I was. But he had been exposed to a very nice Catholic priest a few years prior. It stuck with him.

One day in 2005 he picked me up from work and said we're going to the 5:15pm mass at the Cathedral. I thought...NO! But I went. I wish I could say I felt God there. I wish I could say it was the most amazing experience ever. I wish it would've been the point in my life where I "knew" this is where I was meant to be. I know my husband did. I felt akward and awful. I felt like a traitor and that I was in the devils house. I know DRAMATIC, but that's all I felt. I realize now it was fear and the devil himself.

My husband decided to enroll in RCIA in the fall of 2005. I was hesitant to say the least. I was not interested in being Mormon, mind you, but I sure wasn't interested in being Catholic either. Bubba was SOO excited to get the ball rolling on entering the church. I was just mad I was going to miss Grey's Anatomy. I had decided that since he was going, I was going to go to. I had to go see "what this is all about?" I remember saying, "if you're going to be Catholic I might as well know what my husband is going to be believing in."

Well, we went and it was amazing. I learned soo much. My husband said I was more into it than he was. He was amazed at how I was compltely in awe. We met some really great people in our class. I loved the Catholic faith. I loved that it was completely different than what I thought. It was amazing. I don't remember an AHA moment of "the" moment of when I decided this was it, but I knew within a month that this was want I wanted. I wanted to be Catholic. Holy crow!

I cannot remember all the details of the baptism. I will have to get my husband to refresh me. But I AM CATHOLIC and still amazed at how it unfolded.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

RE Appointment

Well, it wasn't exactly what I expected, but it worked. We sat in an office with the RE and yapped. Yup, that's it...talked. Since this is pretty much the beginning of our TTC medical records, they are starting practically from scratch. We told him about all of our medical history and walked away with a game plan.

The first part of the plan...lose weight. Bastard! HA! I may not have mentioned on my little blog...that I'm a little chunky. He wants both me and Bubba on the At.kins Diet. Low/no carb. Oh how I love carbs, this is going to be SOO HARD. But if I can't do it for a baby, I can't do it at all. Wish me luck! We are proceding with tests, even though he wants to give me 5-6 months for weight loss. If Bubba's sperm analysis is as bad as I think it will be, then it will take at least 3 months to get that up anyways...right?! That's what I keep telling myself anyway. I was really sad to hear it, but it's true. We want the best environment for our little one, and if being a little pudgy is bad...we'll try to fix it.

Here are the tests he wants to run within the next month. I ovulated I believe sometime this weekend. The last day of fertile CM was Monday. It kept coming and coming, my peak day kept getting pushed further and further. Oh and one more report - we did get to use on day...Monday. Whoo hoo!

HSG - between CD 5-11 (i am to take Doxycycline for 10 days. what is this for?)
17 Hyoxyprogesterone
DHEA Sulfate
Free T3
Free T4
Testosterone Total
Vit D
3 hour insulin (glucose) test
Cushings Syndrome

My husband was taken off testosterone shots and of course ordered an SA. Which I might add, he is less than impressed about having to do. I never did get our regular MD to order it, so he was off the hook. Now he's not and I think he could probalby cry. Poor poor Bubba! The doc is going to put him on 1,000mg of HCG twice weekly. What is the costs of HCG? Also I've heard its hard to that true?

So what do you pros think? Fiarly sufficient? He seems to think we are an easy case. He did say that 70%-80% of his patients get pregnant in the first 3 months of treatment. Oh I hope it is that easy. The only thing that bothered me was his he did it...not God. Oh well, no one is perfect. The office was very nice and overall impressive.

Here we go. I can't believe we waited a year to do this. Oh well!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Why can't things be easy?

So I am having a rant. It is allowed with blogging, right?! We all get a rant session every so often. Well I'm having one. I believe yesterday was peak day or ovluation day...whatever. Anyways, we did not "use" one stinking day of fertile time. I have beautiful wonderful mucous...and NOTHING. Nothing nothing nothing. I am soo glad we are going to the RE on Wednesday. My husband has to get her hormones under control...or out of control in our case. His testosterone level must be in the toilet, because he can't (how should I say this as delicate as possible) "perform." We have infertility and a performance disability. This sucks!

He was telling me a few days ago, I needed to be nice. He's an old man...this is what he tells me "Honey, I am 40, my prime was 20 years ago. You're 30, you're in your prime right now." You know what I wanted to say...I wanted to say "SO WHAT?!?!" But I didn't. I said ok, and went to bed. I didn't even mention fertile time. I didn't want that extra pressure on him. He just thought I was being a hornball.

I hate feeling this way. I KNOW...absolutely KNOW the performance issues have nothing to do with me. But a girl can't help but feel rejected...and then hurt because there's no way (barring a miracle of God) we could be pregnant this month. It's so disheartening. And then add on top of it, what happened last year, and I just want to cry. About everything.

Sorry to lay it all out there like that. But after 6 years of dealing with low testosterone and low libido, there is no more shame. Somebody's gotta put it all out there. No one else will. Its embarassing.

Today was a good day other than that. I laid tile in my parents 2nd bathroom. Exciting I know. No plans for tomorrow, but we're going to go boating on the Suwannee river on Monday. Should be a good time. I will try to remember a camera. Florida really is beautiful. I really missed it.

I really hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday weekend!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Stupid PCOS!!!

I had my C-peptide levels checked again. It HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL! When it was first checked almost 2 months ago, it was 6.2 (normal .8-3.1). I started 500 mg of XR Metformin, upped to 1000, now on 1500. I had my levels checked on Thursday and it's exactly the same. WHAT GIVES?!?!?! How much of this stuff am I going to have to take for my body to stop making so much dadblasted insulin?!?!

The only info I can really find on it is for diabetes. Well I don't have diabetes. I AM BROKEN! WTH!?!?! All i can find on google is "In the pancreas, when insulin is made, it starts out as two fragments attached to each other by a connecting peptide called c-peptide. When this molecule comes out of the pancreas, two pieces split off the c-peptide, to form regular insulin, and the insulin and c-peptide exist separately. For each molecule of insulin made, a molecule of c-peptide is made, so that high insulin secretion by the pancreas is associated with high c peptide levels." More insulin, the more whacked out the hormones get, blah blah blah.

"High levels of C-peptide are also seen with insulinomas and may be seen with hypokalemia, pregnancy, Cushing's syndrome, and renal failure." Oh there's some good news!!!

Well it ain't pregnancy, i can tell you that. I was checked for Cushing's about 3 years ago...negative. I don't believe I'm in renal failure. I don't even know what hypokalemia is.


Monday, May 17, 2010


I have absolutely nothing exciting or dreadful going on…and that gives me nothing to blog about. I know you soooo want to keep reading after that..dontcha?!

This weekend I made myself sick on boiled peanuts. I love those little bastards…they are so good. It’s sinful and gluttoness (is that a word) but OH SO GOOD. We did this weekend completely red-neck. Boiled peanuts, fried fish, hushpuppies (all fried on the back porch), yum yum yum. We did work too, a little. Putting up fence is hard work, but the boys did most of it.

I had to reschedule the appointment with my new RE. CD1 was yesterday. I was hoping to not see CD1, but I knew it was for not. We did not use the most optimal days for TTC this month. Oh well, there’s always next month.

I cannot tell sometimes if my optimism is nice…or if I’m crazy. I can’t tell if I actually feel happy or if I’m just practicing the fake-it-till-you-make-it. Oh well, at least I’m not crying and that has to be a step in the right direction. I did have some crazy bad PMS, Friday and Saturday but it’s gone now…and other than cramps, I am feeling pretty darn good!

Girls I’m having a crisis of conscience. I don’t know how to chart (Creighton method) and I haven’t been to a Napro doctor, and I’m trying to figure out if I should. The closest actual Napro trained (either OB/GYN or RE, can’t remember, is about 3 hours away in Tampa). The REs are a dime a dozen here. Do I learn Creighton and drive to Tampa, or do I get started here with REs and see what happens? I’m torn. My issues are PCOS and hypothyroidism. My DH has low testosterone (due to LH and FSH deficiencies). What to do, what to do?!

I’m excited to see all the good news still popping up in blog land. It’s AMAZING!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I Love My Family

My little sister and husband are sitting on my parents living room floor playing Mario Bros. (old school Mario, on a Super Nintendo). My sister is laughing SOO HARD I think she may pee her pants (and it wouldn't be the first time)! I've never heard someone snort like that either! My husband is trying his best not to swear when he falls down a hole or runs into a monster. Now they're calling gas "fire power". Holy stinks! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

We went out for dinner tonight for mother's day. Only one sister and BIL was missing. It was nice. I guess the good thing, if there is a good thing about not having babies, is there's no one else in my family that has babies either. My oldest sister and her husband do not WANT kids. How could you NOT want kids? Well they don't, and they plan on making it a permanent fix by the end of the year. She is 34. It breaks my heart. I have two little sisters who aren't married, although one lives like she is. No babies. I feel bad for my parents, like they're ready to enter the next chapter into Grandparent land and no one will help them out!

My own mom did wish me happy mother's day, although I don't think I deserve it, as I haven't talked to my step-sons in months. I'm not a very good step-mother.

Trying to focus my mother's day on my mother helps a lot. I try not to think about me being a mother, but the great job my own mother did. She was my best friend for years, until I moved away. I am soo happy to be back in Florida. I have missed my family.

I pray everyone has a blessed mother's day and we all stay relatively tear free on this sad but happy day.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Happiness, Longing & Fear

There has been some seriously good news going on in blog lang. I'm so excited and happy for everyone who finally received the elusive BFP and have adoptions in the works. It's all sorts of amazing to see God's hand in everyone's lives.

I've not been posting much. I've been in deep thought. HAHA! I have ideas of what to blog about and they never come to be, or I just get too busy and sidetracked. I've been reading all these blogs about hope. Hope is a scary little beast. I don't know that I have hope or if I just KNOW things will work out. Maybe it's all the same (who knows?). I try to beat myself down and not have hope the last week of a beautiful cycle. I don't want to receive that stupid BFN and be completely heart broken. I've not been at this nearly as long as some of you, but it still SUCKS!

I've wanted to be a mommy for forever. I remember begging my mom to have more kids, so I could take care of them (I have 3 sisters). Playing dolls and school. Babysitting (real kids) from age 12. I look back and wonder WHAT WERE THESE PARENTS THINKING to let a 12 year old girl watch their precious babies from 8-5 everyday. I've worked in daycares, tutored kids, etc.

When I was contemplating divorce last year, the thing that kept we half way excited about it, was I was going to get to do foster care. A single, divorced, woman doing foster care. I was soo excited! Being married to Bubba takes that away. I guess he's worth it though :) We cannot adopt or do foster care because he did some very stupid things when he was younger.

Thinking about how limited our options are scares the HOLY SH*T out of me. We have to have a baby, there is no other way. We have some IF problems that keep multiplying with every doctor I see, that hopefully will be solved, but who knows. I'm scared, but some how I KNOW it will work out and we will get a little one. Maybe the appointment with the RE on the 19th will change that...who knows.

God bless us infertiles. Please.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Random Thoughts

I've just barely started my blog and I'm already slacking...seriously. Three times in one week - OH so bad!

I'm a seriously bad Catholic. Very very bad Catholic. My husband and I visit my parents almost every weekend (because we're pathetic and have found no new friends in Jacksonville). Mass in the town my parents live is at 8:00am! I am no morning person (i'm going to blame it on hypothyroidism...HA!) and I just can't drag myself out of the bed to go. Let's be honest, it's just an excuse. I don't feel the pull I used to. Obviously, I feel guilty about it, or I wouldn't be blogging about it. Being raised Mormon, we were told when we pray to THANK God for the good things in your life, and not just to ask for things. I know it's a good idea to have, we do need to thank God, but I feel like I only go to Mass or Church to ask or BEG for things. Whether it's for me, or someone else, I only ASK for things. I try to through in the things I'm thankful for, but only because I feel like I have to, in order to get my prayers answered. Like God won't answer my prayers, unless I thank him first. God doesn't answer my prayers because it's not his will, not because I'm not kneeling right, or saying the right things, or holding my mouth right.

I hope that made sense, because I'm not re-reading it. Sorry!

I do love my husband, and am grateful for everything and everyone in my life. My husband is loving and understanding. Sometimes I wonder if marrying a man 10 years older than me was wise, and then I realize he keeps me a little bit more grounded than anyone else would. He's wise enough to help me put things in prospective and for that I am grateful. I get my panties in a wad about the craziest things. I am a control freak and freak out when I can't control situations. As you all know, infertility does not go well with control. DANG IT!


In cycle news, I'm on CD12. No sign of good CF yet. Hopefully ovulation will be soon, and the egg(s) I ovulate will be worth a damn!

Question, my husband is going to have a sperm analysis done. He is not at all excited about it. He is very worried about getting his sample in a licit way. I've read we can buy a non-lubricated condom and poke holes in it? Is that correct? Any other ideas? We've never used condoms together and it was a very LONG time ago that we used them with anyone else. I can see this turning into a disaster. I need help!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Pulling Teeth

Why does it feel like I have to pull teeth to get blood test results?!?! I just want my last labs of thyroid tests and anything else they ran and I cannot get any cooperation!!! AHHH! I should just learn how to write my own blood draw orders. My husband does calls me Dr. Beth, I received my degree from Dr. Google Online. HAHAHA!

Oh if only it were so easy. That's all I have to rant about today. I hope everyone is having a great day!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Moving on

Thanks girls for all the welcomes. Now that I got all the background stuff out of the way, we can move on to happier, better things. Too bad there's nothing exciting going on in my life right now! HA HA!

The weekend was good. I spent all last week in D.C. on business so it was soo good to be home. I'm such a baby, I'm not used to being by myself for that long without my Bubba. I had fun though and saw a lot sites. I had never been to D.C. before, so it was all new. I went to Arlington National Cemetary. That is such a somber humbling place. I felt so small. It's amazing and so incredible sad all at the same time.

I also went to the Basillica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. It was beautiful. I've never been in such a huge church. I went on Tuesday and prayed for This Cross I Embrace. TCIE has been having a really hard go of TTC and adoption lately and I felt compelled to pray for her. I hope my prayers did some good or will do some good. I of course prayed for all the other bloggers out there, but TCIE was heavy on my heart that day. I lit a candle and felt such peace. I loved it.

In fact I loved it so much, I almost got locked in...WHOOPS! I even had to jump the curb in the parking lot, because they had already locked it up. It was quite an adventure.

I went to the White House, The National Mall, Monuments and all the other touristy stuff I could get in after all day meetings. We went to Clydes in China Town and Grevey's in Falls Church. Also some new swanky restaurant in Falls Church called 2941 Restaurant. Over all a great trip. I would love to visit D.C. when I had more time to goof off and also take my husband...I hated being by myself...BOO!

God Bless.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Worst Part...

This will be the story of the infidelity part of my blog title. This was the worst and darkest time in my short little life. My husband had an affair...there I said it.

Throughout my whole life I always swore up and down that I would never stay married to someone who cheated on me. Well I've been cheated on and I'm still married. The thing I worry about with this post is demonizing my husband. He's not a bad man, just made bad choices. Bad choices happen to the best of us.

Last year he started reconnecting with people on, just like everyone else in the world. He reconnected with a girl he went to high school with and had treated very badly at one point. He felt bad for what he had done to her for the longest time. When they reconnected on he thought it would be a great time to apologize for mistreating her. Well the apology led to forgiveness and stupidity.

To start with (at this time) our marriage wasn't in a great place to begin with. I'm not sure what went wrong or when it went wrong, but we had stopped talking and I was miserable. I was living out in Utah (away from my family) and hated my job. His kids and ex-wife were giving us grief and it was just a bad time all around. Yes, if you do the math we were trying to get pregnant at the time. I know, I know it all sounds so horrible.

I confronted him, I had my suspicion, he denied it. I called the girl. She told me the truth. Bubba and I had the worst fight in the history of fights. We yelled and screamed and threatened...ok, well I yelled and screamed and threatened. I was hurt and pissed and crying. I felt like my world was falling apart. I stayed away from Bubba and from Church. I went to work and went home. The hate was consuming me. I had to go to confession. Dammit! So I went and I have never been more mad at everyone and at God for letting this happen. For watching my marriage crumble and not stopping it. I know it was not His fault, but I was mad and I didn't know what to do. After confession, I felt better, but not good enough. I wanted it to be my end all cure all and it wasn't. I went to the doctor and for the first time in my life I was put on anti-depressants.

Two months later, I told my father. I was ready to leave Bubba and I needed a place to stay. I. Was. Coming. Home. He said OK. I quit my job and I went home (our home). I told my Bubba it was over, I was done, I couldn't do it anymore. He was shocked and scared. He knew I was serious and he knew he was losing me. I told him everything. And for the first time we finally talked.

Longer story short, he moved to Florida with me. My dad had a "chat" with Bubba and we started our road to recovery. I am happy and he is happy. I know I'm not the only person on God's earth to go through this, but sometimes it feels like it.

Please don't run away screaming from my blog. I know I've thrown a lot of info out there for the first two posts. God Bless.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Our TTC Story

We were married March 2004. Lovely ceremony, beautiful day, no regrets. However, consummating our marriage did not come easy. For months/years were in doctors' office after doctors' office trying to figure out what was wrong. My new husband had no sex drive and non-working equipment. I realize this may be TMI, but I need to get the whole story out. We went to 5 different doctors. They all said, you're just FAT. East less, work out and you'll be fine. WHAT.EVER. Now to the doctors' defense, Bubba had gained about 100 pounds in just over a year or so. From about 230 - 330 (he is 6'1"). A big dude. Well he couldn't lose weight no matter what he did and was too scared to take Viagra (this is soo embarassing).

We finally found a doctor that actually listened to me. I KNEW there was something wrong with my husband. He ran a battery of blood tests and realized he had very low testerone levels and hypothyroidism. Normal for a 30 something year old male is like 600-1100, Bubba's was 106. NO WONDER! HELLO! Stupid stupid doctors. They put him on injectable testosterone and life has been lovely and normal ever since. I talked to his endocrinologist about HCG in combination with the testosterone, but she wouldn't do it. I knew injecting testosterone would make problems for when we really wanted to get pregnant. They call it "male birthcontrol" for a reason. But we always hoped, we could/would get a miracle baby regardless.

During this time my periods are getting farther and farther apart. I finally go the gynocologist and given a drug to start my period. Lucky for me, I didn't have to take it (I started a few days later). I asked her to run thyroid tests (can I say LOVE DOCTOR GOOGLE!). She did and said I was normal. Well thank goodness we had an endocrinologist already, so I went to her. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Synthroid straightens out my cycles to perfection 28 - 31 days.

Well fast forward a few years. No pregnancy, nothing, nada. We move to Florida and starting looking for doctors. My cycles are getting longer and longer. My doctor diagnosed me, last week, with PCOS. She told me she ran a C-Peptide test. Normal range is .4 to 2.4, mine was 6.2. I would say there is definitely something wrong. I was immediately given Metformin (500 XR). I don't have a cycle any longer than about 40 days (i know its very good for PCOS), but it's so confusing.

I have great fertile mucus, everymonth. We use fertile days. Can PCOS make you ovulate bad eggs? Or does it just make it seem like you're going to ovulate but then you actually never release an egg? I hope someone is actually reading this blog and can tell me.

This trying to have a baby thing is going to be an adventure.


Well I finally did it. I. Finally. Started. A. Blog. Holy cow!

My inspiration for starting this blog are all the wonderful Catholic Infertility Blogs I've come across. I need an outlet for my frustrations and rejoicing and for maybe just some plain ol' good fashion ranting. The blogs I have come across, like Sew Infertile, This Cross I Embrace, All You Who Hope, Grace In My Heart, etc are wonderful! Of course like so many other of us "new" bloggers, All You Who Hope was my gateway blog. Since that first "hit" I've been addicted to reading all the great blogs I mentioned below and many many others. I am so thankful for the blogs (people) I have found, even though NONE know I exist! HAHA! It's ok, I pray for them anyway and they have no idea who I am. I can always hope my little prayers did some good for at least one of them.

Ok, on to ME!! My name is Beth (I'm 30). I am married to C (who we will call Bubba, who is 40) he loves that name by the way. HA! You can tell from the name of my blog, we've had some interesting, difficult and rewarding times together (I promise I will fill in all the gaps in later posts). I have two stepsons (ages T is 17 and Z is 16). We live in Jacksonville, FL now, however we spent most of our married life out in Salt Lake City, Utah. We are fairly new to the Catholic faith, we were received into the Church 3 years ago. We were both raised LDS/Mormon.

Bubba and I have been married for a little over 6 years. We have been open to pregnancy for the whole time, never contracepting, but have really just started TTC over the last year/year and a half. I will post our TTC journey later.

I decided More Than Anything to be the title of my post for lots of reasons. I want More Than Anything to be a mother, to have unwavering faith, to be a good wife and daughter, and to enjoy and live life to the fullest. Not necessarily in that order. There are many many things I want More Than Anything! I only hope to choose the right things to want.

Let the fun begin!