Saturday, May 29, 2010

Why can't things be easy?

So I am having a rant. It is allowed with blogging, right?! We all get a rant session every so often. Well I'm having one. I believe yesterday was peak day or ovluation day...whatever. Anyways, we did not "use" one stinking day of fertile time. I have beautiful wonderful mucous...and NOTHING. Nothing nothing nothing. I am soo glad we are going to the RE on Wednesday. My husband has to get her hormones under control...or out of control in our case. His testosterone level must be in the toilet, because he can't (how should I say this as delicate as possible) "perform." We have infertility and a performance disability. This sucks!

He was telling me a few days ago, I needed to be nice. He's an old man...this is what he tells me "Honey, I am 40, my prime was 20 years ago. You're 30, you're in your prime right now." You know what I wanted to say...I wanted to say "SO WHAT?!?!" But I didn't. I said ok, and went to bed. I didn't even mention fertile time. I didn't want that extra pressure on him. He just thought I was being a hornball.

I hate feeling this way. I KNOW...absolutely KNOW the performance issues have nothing to do with me. But a girl can't help but feel rejected...and then hurt because there's no way (barring a miracle of God) we could be pregnant this month. It's so disheartening. And then add on top of it, what happened last year, and I just want to cry. About everything.

Sorry to lay it all out there like that. But after 6 years of dealing with low testosterone and low libido, there is no more shame. Somebody's gotta put it all out there. No one else will. Its embarassing.

Today was a good day other than that. I laid tile in my parents 2nd bathroom. Exciting I know. No plans for tomorrow, but we're going to go boating on the Suwannee river on Monday. Should be a good time. I will try to remember a camera. Florida really is beautiful. I really missed it.

I really hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday weekend!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Stupid PCOS!!!

I had my C-peptide levels checked again. It HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL! When it was first checked almost 2 months ago, it was 6.2 (normal .8-3.1). I started 500 mg of XR Metformin, upped to 1000, now on 1500. I had my levels checked on Thursday and it's exactly the same. WHAT GIVES?!?!?! How much of this stuff am I going to have to take for my body to stop making so much dadblasted insulin?!?!

The only info I can really find on it is for diabetes. Well I don't have diabetes. I AM BROKEN! WTH!?!?! All i can find on google is "In the pancreas, when insulin is made, it starts out as two fragments attached to each other by a connecting peptide called c-peptide. When this molecule comes out of the pancreas, two pieces split off the c-peptide, to form regular insulin, and the insulin and c-peptide exist separately. For each molecule of insulin made, a molecule of c-peptide is made, so that high insulin secretion by the pancreas is associated with high c peptide levels." More insulin, the more whacked out the hormones get, blah blah blah.

"High levels of C-peptide are also seen with insulinomas and may be seen with hypokalemia, pregnancy, Cushing's syndrome, and renal failure." Oh there's some good news!!!

Well it ain't pregnancy, i can tell you that. I was checked for Cushing's about 3 years ago...negative. I don't believe I'm in renal failure. I don't even know what hypokalemia is.


Monday, May 17, 2010


I have absolutely nothing exciting or dreadful going on…and that gives me nothing to blog about. I know you soooo want to keep reading after that..dontcha?!

This weekend I made myself sick on boiled peanuts. I love those little bastards…they are so good. It’s sinful and gluttoness (is that a word) but OH SO GOOD. We did this weekend completely red-neck. Boiled peanuts, fried fish, hushpuppies (all fried on the back porch), yum yum yum. We did work too, a little. Putting up fence is hard work, but the boys did most of it.

I had to reschedule the appointment with my new RE. CD1 was yesterday. I was hoping to not see CD1, but I knew it was for not. We did not use the most optimal days for TTC this month. Oh well, there’s always next month.

I cannot tell sometimes if my optimism is nice…or if I’m crazy. I can’t tell if I actually feel happy or if I’m just practicing the fake-it-till-you-make-it. Oh well, at least I’m not crying and that has to be a step in the right direction. I did have some crazy bad PMS, Friday and Saturday but it’s gone now…and other than cramps, I am feeling pretty darn good!

Girls I’m having a crisis of conscience. I don’t know how to chart (Creighton method) and I haven’t been to a Napro doctor, and I’m trying to figure out if I should. The closest actual Napro trained (either OB/GYN or RE, can’t remember, is about 3 hours away in Tampa). The REs are a dime a dozen here. Do I learn Creighton and drive to Tampa, or do I get started here with REs and see what happens? I’m torn. My issues are PCOS and hypothyroidism. My DH has low testosterone (due to LH and FSH deficiencies). What to do, what to do?!

I’m excited to see all the good news still popping up in blog land. It’s AMAZING!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I Love My Family

My little sister and husband are sitting on my parents living room floor playing Mario Bros. (old school Mario, on a Super Nintendo). My sister is laughing SOO HARD I think she may pee her pants (and it wouldn't be the first time)! I've never heard someone snort like that either! My husband is trying his best not to swear when he falls down a hole or runs into a monster. Now they're calling gas "fire power". Holy stinks! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

We went out for dinner tonight for mother's day. Only one sister and BIL was missing. It was nice. I guess the good thing, if there is a good thing about not having babies, is there's no one else in my family that has babies either. My oldest sister and her husband do not WANT kids. How could you NOT want kids? Well they don't, and they plan on making it a permanent fix by the end of the year. She is 34. It breaks my heart. I have two little sisters who aren't married, although one lives like she is. No babies. I feel bad for my parents, like they're ready to enter the next chapter into Grandparent land and no one will help them out!

My own mom did wish me happy mother's day, although I don't think I deserve it, as I haven't talked to my step-sons in months. I'm not a very good step-mother.

Trying to focus my mother's day on my mother helps a lot. I try not to think about me being a mother, but the great job my own mother did. She was my best friend for years, until I moved away. I am soo happy to be back in Florida. I have missed my family.

I pray everyone has a blessed mother's day and we all stay relatively tear free on this sad but happy day.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Happiness, Longing & Fear

There has been some seriously good news going on in blog lang. I'm so excited and happy for everyone who finally received the elusive BFP and have adoptions in the works. It's all sorts of amazing to see God's hand in everyone's lives.

I've not been posting much. I've been in deep thought. HAHA! I have ideas of what to blog about and they never come to be, or I just get too busy and sidetracked. I've been reading all these blogs about hope. Hope is a scary little beast. I don't know that I have hope or if I just KNOW things will work out. Maybe it's all the same (who knows?). I try to beat myself down and not have hope the last week of a beautiful cycle. I don't want to receive that stupid BFN and be completely heart broken. I've not been at this nearly as long as some of you, but it still SUCKS!

I've wanted to be a mommy for forever. I remember begging my mom to have more kids, so I could take care of them (I have 3 sisters). Playing dolls and school. Babysitting (real kids) from age 12. I look back and wonder WHAT WERE THESE PARENTS THINKING to let a 12 year old girl watch their precious babies from 8-5 everyday. I've worked in daycares, tutored kids, etc.

When I was contemplating divorce last year, the thing that kept we half way excited about it, was I was going to get to do foster care. A single, divorced, woman doing foster care. I was soo excited! Being married to Bubba takes that away. I guess he's worth it though :) We cannot adopt or do foster care because he did some very stupid things when he was younger.

Thinking about how limited our options are scares the HOLY SH*T out of me. We have to have a baby, there is no other way. We have some IF problems that keep multiplying with every doctor I see, that hopefully will be solved, but who knows. I'm scared, but some how I KNOW it will work out and we will get a little one. Maybe the appointment with the RE on the 19th will change that...who knows.

God bless us infertiles. Please.