Happiness, Longing & Fear

There has been some seriously good news going on in blog lang. I'm so excited and happy for everyone who finally received the elusive BFP and have adoptions in the works. It's all sorts of amazing to see God's hand in everyone's lives.

I've not been posting much. I've been in deep thought. HAHA! I have ideas of what to blog about and they never come to be, or I just get too busy and sidetracked. I've been reading all these blogs about hope. Hope is a scary little beast. I don't know that I have hope or if I just KNOW things will work out. Maybe it's all the same (who knows?). I try to beat myself down and not have hope the last week of a beautiful cycle. I don't want to receive that stupid BFN and be completely heart broken. I've not been at this nearly as long as some of you, but it still SUCKS!

I've wanted to be a mommy for forever. I remember begging my mom to have more kids, so I could take care of them (I have 3 sisters). Playing dolls and school. Babysitting (real kids) from age 12. I look back and wonder WHAT WERE THESE PARENTS THINKING to let a 12 year old girl watch their precious babies from 8-5 everyday. I've worked in daycares, tutored kids, etc.

When I was contemplating divorce last year, the thing that kept we half way excited about it, was I was going to get to do foster care. A single, divorced, woman doing foster care. I was soo excited! Being married to Bubba takes that away. I guess he's worth it though :) We cannot adopt or do foster care because he did some very stupid things when he was younger.

Thinking about how limited our options are scares the HOLY SH*T out of me. We have to have a baby, there is no other way. We have some IF problems that keep multiplying with every doctor I see, that hopefully will be solved, but who knows. I'm scared, but some how I KNOW it will work out and we will get a little one. Maybe the appointment with the RE on the 19th will change that...who knows.

God bless us infertiles. Please.