Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Confession and St. Joseph

Confession is something I struggle with.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I do.  I'm not sure if it's coming from a Mormon upbringing, or just the embarrassment of having to admit your sins out loud.  I pray for forgiveness of course, but that's between me and God.  Throw a priest in there, and I'm all sorts of nervous.

I have only been to confession 3 times since I joined the Catholic church.  Not very good statistics.  The first time was the year I was received into the church.  The second was after my husband's affair.  I was so mad.  Mad at my husband for having an affair, mad at God for letting it happen and even madder that I had to go to confession because I was committing some serious sin in my heart because I hated people.  I have since avoided confession and mostly church.  I hated when I went into my last parish feeling mad.  You shouldn't feel MAD when you go to church, so I just quit going.  We went occasionally, but I wasn't feeling it.

So I (and my DH) decided for Lent that we would try and be better Catholics.  Go to church every Sunday, pray more, talk about church more, etc.  So last Saturday, while visiting my parents, we went to confession and mass at the parish in my hometown.  I have only been to mass there two or three times and don't know the priest at all, but he was wonderful!

I was talking to him about infertility and he starts explaining to me that his daughter is worried about the same thing. (He was married had 3 children and his wife died of cancer.  He then joined the seminary.)  We had a good talk about it.  He told me to ask St. Joseph for his intercession.  His thought was God trusted St. Joseph with his son, maybe St. Joseph could ask God to trust us with one of his children too.  He said it a little more eloquently but it made me cry.

He also asked me if I was seeing a doctor for treatment and I told him I was seeing a NaPro doctor.  He knew about NaPro.  A priest in a small red-neck town new about NaPro.  I almost fell out of my chair!  Amazing!

After confession, mass was wonderful and I enjoyed it.  I felt 20 pounds lighter and happier.

Thank you God!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I know you’re not supposed to complain….

about fasting and Lenten sacrifices, but OMGosh I am dying!!!  I gave up and Diet Coke for lent.  I could live with or without FB, but I do feel like I’m missing out on so much news!

But Diet Coke, my dear sweet, yummy, chemical filled, Diet Coke, I would kill someone for you.  I drink Diet Coke A LOT, like from the moment I get up until I get ready for bed.  I drink lots of water too (and obviously pee a lot!! LOL).   I feel like the song Red Solo Cup….Diet Coke you are my friend!

My name is Beth and I’m an addict.  Admission is the first step right?!?!  It’s depressing!!  I have realized it is a good thing, I don’t like alcohol the way I like soda!  It would be BAAADDDD!!!  Seriously, I would have to be in AA 5-7 days a week! J

Since quitting the sauce last Wed ;-)   I have had almost DAILY headaches and I assume the two are related.  I know it’s bad for you, so I hope after 40 days, I will no longer crave it.  But today, that is NOT the case!  But I will be strong!!   I, I will Survive!!

On a totally unrelated topic, I am on CD 14 and had the crappiest mucus ever!!  Usually by now I’m 3-5 days into my mucus cycle with 10CKL or 10KL, but noooooo, I’m dealing with 6GC and 6B.   I don’t even know how to chart the gummy gluey stretchy crap that is coming out of me!

Thanks for the welcome back after my 5 month long hiatus.  I have missed you guys!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

No, I'm Not Dead :)

Blogging has been on my mind a lot recently. I quit blogging after the grandbaby was born and I’m still not sure why? Depression? Denial? Guilt? Probably a little of all. But after a chat with a fellow blogger, I decided (and she told me) I needed the support.

 I’m turning into a bitter, bitter woman and I don’t want to be. I followed IF blogs and went to IF support groups at our local parish and saw many woman who were battling bitterness/jealousy/life’s.not.fair. I vowed to never be one. Guess what?!?! Life isn’t fair and it sucks. I am jealous and then I hate myself for feeling that way. I just want to cry!! I’m angry and frustrated. In my head, I thought how can someone NOT be happy about a baby coming into the world. It’s a baby for crying out loud. A new living breathing soul, a precious sweet little one. Well after battling IF for 4+ years, I finally get it.

You/I am mad because it’s happening for someone else (sometimes AGAIN)! It’s another blood draw instead of buying baby socks, it’s another ultrasound to check lining and follicles instead of hearing your baby’s heartbeat, it’s another BFN or CD1 (whichever comes first) with a ugly swollen eyes for days cry, instead of a BFP and dancing in the kitchen. Month after month after month, you can’t help but be worn down. Maybe its God, maybe it isn’t. Maybe you’re supposed to learn something, but you can’t figure out what. Maybe….you and I can “maybe” all day, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m IF and there doesn’t appear to be an end in sight.

I’m tired of feeling horrible and down in the dumps. So this is what I’ve decided to do about it. First, go to mass more! Second, quit Facebook (only for Lent, I’m no Saint!). Third, pray more. Fourth, exercise and get back on my weight loss band wagon. And finally blog more!! I’m not sure what I need more, to get all my feelings out, or to know someone else “gets it” and won’t tell me to relax, or to feel the blogger prayers. 

Even though I wasn’t posting, I was still reading and praying for all of you.