Blogging has been on my mind a lot recently. I quit blogging after the grandbaby was born and I’m still not sure why? Depression? Denial? Guilt? Probably a little of all. But after a Face.book chat with a fellow blogger, I decided (and she told me) I needed the support.
I’m turning into a bitter, bitter woman and I don’t want to be. I followed IF blogs and went to IF support groups at our local parish and saw many woman who were battling bitterness/jealousy/life’s.not.fair. I vowed to never be one. Guess what?!?! I.am.one. Life isn’t fair and it sucks. I am jealous and then I hate myself for feeling that way. I just want to cry!! I’m angry and frustrated. In my head, I thought how can someone NOT be happy about a baby coming into the world. It’s a baby for crying out loud. A new living breathing soul, a precious sweet little one. Well after battling IF for 4+ years, I finally get it.
You/I am mad because it’s happening for someone else (sometimes AGAIN)! It’s another blood draw instead of buying baby socks, it’s another ultrasound to check lining and follicles instead of hearing your baby’s heartbeat, it’s another BFN or CD1 (whichever comes first) with a ugly swollen eyes for days cry, instead of a BFP and dancing in the kitchen. Month after month after month, you can’t help but be worn down. Maybe its God, maybe it isn’t. Maybe you’re supposed to learn something, but you can’t figure out what. Maybe….you and I can “maybe” all day, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m IF and there doesn’t appear to be an end in sight.
I’m tired of feeling horrible and down in the dumps. So this is what I’ve decided to do about it. First, go to mass more! Second, quit Facebook (only for Lent, I’m no Saint!). Third, pray more. Fourth, exercise and get back on my weight loss band wagon. And finally blog more!! I’m not sure what I need more, to get all my feelings out, or to know someone else “gets it” and won’t tell me to relax, or to feel the blogger prayers.
Even though I wasn’t posting, I was still reading and praying for all of you.