Wednesday, February 22, 2012

No, I'm Not Dead :)

Blogging has been on my mind a lot recently. I quit blogging after the grandbaby was born and I’m still not sure why? Depression? Denial? Guilt? Probably a little of all. But after a Face.book chat with a fellow blogger, I decided (and she told me) I needed the support.

 I’m turning into a bitter, bitter woman and I don’t want to be. I followed IF blogs and went to IF support groups at our local parish and saw many woman who were battling bitterness/jealousy/life’s.not.fair. I vowed to never be one. Guess what?!?! I.am.one. Life isn’t fair and it sucks. I am jealous and then I hate myself for feeling that way. I just want to cry!! I’m angry and frustrated. In my head, I thought how can someone NOT be happy about a baby coming into the world. It’s a baby for crying out loud. A new living breathing soul, a precious sweet little one. Well after battling IF for 4+ years, I finally get it.

You/I am mad because it’s happening for someone else (sometimes AGAIN)! It’s another blood draw instead of buying baby socks, it’s another ultrasound to check lining and follicles instead of hearing your baby’s heartbeat, it’s another BFN or CD1 (whichever comes first) with a ugly swollen eyes for days cry, instead of a BFP and dancing in the kitchen. Month after month after month, you can’t help but be worn down. Maybe its God, maybe it isn’t. Maybe you’re supposed to learn something, but you can’t figure out what. Maybe….you and I can “maybe” all day, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m IF and there doesn’t appear to be an end in sight.

I’m tired of feeling horrible and down in the dumps. So this is what I’ve decided to do about it. First, go to mass more! Second, quit Facebook (only for Lent, I’m no Saint!). Third, pray more. Fourth, exercise and get back on my weight loss band wagon. And finally blog more!! I’m not sure what I need more, to get all my feelings out, or to know someone else “gets it” and won’t tell me to relax, or to feel the blogger prayers. 

Even though I wasn’t posting, I was still reading and praying for all of you.

10 comments:

  1. Prayers to you!

    Someone once told me that you cannot try to reconcile the feeling of being 'unhappy' when someone else has a baby. SO VERY TRUE!!! You just have to feel it at the time. It's such a hard emotion to deal with. When I would feel that way... I would feel SO GUILTY!!! Ack! But, if I did not allow myself to simply feel sad for what was not happening to me it would have eaten me alive. So I quit trying to make sense of it all and just allowed myself to feel what I felt!

    Your Lent sounds great!!! I'll be praying for you!!!!

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  2. I'm so glad you posted again...I had been wondering where you were and what was going on. I imagine the events of the fall were extremely difficult to handle with grace on top of IF. You're in my prayers and I'm thankful for that blogger who talked you in to posting again! You are a sweet soul and I hope you're able to get some reprieve from the world in this community.

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  3. I've been meaning to reach out but wasn't sure where your heart was... if you just wanted to forget about IF for a while, in which case, a big, bad barren chick probably wouldn't be the person you'd hope to hear from ;)

    But I've been praying for you and C. So glad you're "back."

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  4. Glad you are back. It's so hard to walk though the valleys of infertility. praying for you this Lent...

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  5. I'm so glad to read an update, but I'm sorry that you've been going through a tough time. Please know that you're not alone in the valley of IF.

    Prayers for you!

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  6. It's so good to hear from you, I have been thinking about you a lot! Sorry for this tough time...the emotions you're describing were all too familiar to me. It doesn't matter who it is, or how much you care about them...seeing it happen to someone else hurts, plain and simple. I've been praying for you!

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  7. Glad you are back!

    Jenny has great advice! It's so hard to ignore the feelings that are so overwhelming!

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  8. I'm glad you are back too!!!
    I know what you mean about being unhappy about a baby. I was so unhappy (and still feel twinges of bitterness & jealousy) about my nephew. So I can't imagine a grandbaby.
    I've always thought that each BFN or CD1 was like getting punched in the stomach over and over and over again. It gets harder & harder to get back up. Know that I'm praying for you this Lent!

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  9. Welcome back! I've been wondering what happened to you since December. Glad to hear you're back in blogging action!!

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