Thursday, April 19, 2012


Sometimes I hate having hope.  Today is one of those days.  We've all had those times where we know hope we are pregnant.  Something was different this cycle.  Pre-menstrual symptoms are different.  Something!

Then you realize, its never different.  CD1 will come whether we have sex in a different position, take 100 different vitamins, stop eating gluten, stand on our head, cross our eyes, or beg will still come!  I had hope this month.  

We had great timing.  We found out DH has sperm (whoo hoo!).  I just "felt" it.  But today I can tell AF will be here tonight or tomorrow no matter how much I wish it away.

I'm not good at spending time in prayer.  I say quick prayers for others.  I (and DH) pray before every meal in thanksgiving, but spending time alone with God is not something I'm good at.  So last night as I was laying in bed, God and I had a "talk".  Well, it's like a lot of other situations...I talked, he listened. 

I tried to explain to God, that I want to have the strength and courage to say to him "if it be Your will" but I don't.  I'm human: I want what I want, when I want it.  My head says "you can do nothing without God Beth, babies are miracles" but my heart still begs to be a mother.  I know in my head that nothing can be done without God either because he wills it or allows it, but my heart doesn't understand why.

Am I making any sense?

Maybe this is what IF is supposed to do for me.  I know I have no control and cannot will something in to reality even if I wanted to, but the hopeful/desperate part of me will not allow me to release control and say "if it be Your will"....because what if he says no.  


  1. You make ALL the sense, honey. All of it.

    Sigh. Big hugs and lots of prayers. I was just where you are yesterday...

  2. I hear you! It's so hard to surrender when He might say no.

  3. Yes, it makes tons of sense. I often used to ask God why he gave me the calling to be a mother when I couldn't live it out. It is one of the toughest things about IF, in my opinion...the not knowing why. Prayers for you, my friend!

  4. Hope is a double-edged sword. It's wonderful to have, but it hurts when you get disappointed.

    Continued prayers!

  5. Throwing it in His hands is scary. I don't think as humans we ever give up wanting to "control" our situation.
    ((((hugs)))) and prayers for you.