Hope

Sometimes I hate having hope.  Today is one of those days.  We've all had those times where we know hope we are pregnant.  Something was different this cycle.  Pre-menstrual symptoms are different.  Something!

Then you realize, its never different.  CD1 will come whether we have sex in a different position, take 100 different vitamins, stop eating gluten, stand on our head, cross our eyes, or beg God...it will still come!  I had hope this month.  

We had great timing.  We found out DH has sperm (whoo hoo!).  I just "felt" it.  But today I can tell AF will be here tonight or tomorrow no matter how much I wish it away.

I'm not good at spending time in prayer.  I say quick prayers for others.  I (and DH) pray before every meal in thanksgiving, but spending time alone with God is not something I'm good at.  So last night as I was laying in bed, God and I had a "talk".  Well, it's like a lot of other situations...I talked, he listened. 

I tried to explain to God, that I want to have the strength and courage to say to him "if it be Your will" but I don't.  I'm human: I want what I want, when I want it.  My head says "you can do nothing without God Beth, babies are miracles" but my heart still begs to be a mother.  I know in my head that nothing can be done without God either because he wills it or allows it, but my heart doesn't understand why.

Am I making any sense?

Maybe this is what IF is supposed to do for me.  I know I have no control and cannot will something in to reality even if I wanted to, but the hopeful/desperate part of me will not allow me to release control and say "if it be Your will"....because what if he says no.