Then you realize, its never different. CD1 will come whether we have sex in a different position, take 100 different vitamins, stop eating gluten, stand on our head, cross our eyes, or beg God...it will still come! I had hope this month.
We had great timing. We found out DH has sperm (whoo hoo!). I just "felt" it. But today I can tell AF will be here tonight or tomorrow no matter how much I wish it away.
I'm not good at spending time in prayer. I say quick prayers for others. I (and DH) pray before every meal in thanksgiving, but spending time alone with God is not something I'm good at. So last night as I was laying in bed, God and I had a "talk". Well, it's like a lot of other situations...I talked, he listened.
I tried to explain to God, that I want to have the strength and courage to say to him "if it be Your will" but I don't. I'm human: I want what I want, when I want it. My head says "you can do nothing without God Beth, babies are miracles" but my heart still begs to be a mother. I know in my head that nothing can be done without God either because he wills it or allows it, but my heart doesn't understand why.
Am I making any sense?
Maybe this is what IF is supposed to do for me. I know I have no control and cannot will something in to reality even if I wanted to, but the hopeful/desperate part of me will not allow me to release control and say "if it be Your will"....because what if he says no.