Friday Quick Takes

1.  I am going back to school.  **insert cringe face here**  I start in January and I'm excited and terrified all at the same time.  I will still be working full time, so I will only have 2-3 classes per semester.  The worst best news - I'm majoring in chemistry and my job is paying for most of it. Yay!

2.  Being a college FRESHMAN at the age of 33 sucks!!

3.  The general counsel of my company is trying to talk me into going to law school.  He is from Europe and their law school is handled different than ours.  I believe our bachelors degree (4 years) is the equivalent of a law degree.  I told him, that if I decide to go to law school its a long ways off.  Lets face it, its going to take a while to get my BS in chemistry, then go to law school!  I'll be 40 AT THE EARLIEST by the time I'm done.  The ultimate goal for me is to take over as intel.lectual pro.perty counsel.

4.  I scored four tickets to the Jags v. Patriots football game two days before Christmas.  Me, DH and my parents are going.  We even have club seats.  Oh Tom Brady, you are soo pretty!

5.  I am on CD5 right now.  I am being a very very bad patient and taking Letrozole on my own without ultrasound monitoring or anything.  We've been doing this for about 6 months, I know how it goes.  On CD12 I'll have a follicle on each ovary, take a trigger shot and still NOT be pregnant.  That's been the process since we started this adventure.

5.  The little tiny 1A high school in the county next to the one I grew up in is going to the state championship (Football).  Its great....Easton Corbin (the country singer) graduated from this high school and has wished them good luck.  AND some red.neck from Duck Dynasty put out a video.  I think its great for this little one redlight town.  Goo Tigers! (you have no idea how hard it is to say that!!  i will forever be an Indian!)

6.  My stepson's "baby momma" unfriended on FB and kindly asked that I remove all pictures of "their" son off FB.  **eye roll**  She sent me a FB message telling me my stepson needed to use the upgrade on his cell phone because he needed a reliable one "you know, for Brax.ton".   I told my DH to take care of it.  The boys know they are being booted off the cell phone contract in a few months.  I've been paying their cell phone bills since they were about 12, they are now 19 and 20.  Its time to grow up boys.  Apparently, I did not jump high enough to suit her majesty the baby momma, so she unfriended me on FB.  Two words - grow up.  Arrgghh!

7.  Baby fever is still raging over here.  In my head I'm hoping as soon as I start school and "move on" we'll get pregnant.  Now I know its never going to work, but after 5 years of BFNs one can always hope.   You know how people have told all of us "it will happen when you're not ready".  I'm going to put that to the test.  I'll let you know if it works.

World's Largest Cocktail Party

Tomorrow I am going to the World's Largest Cocktail Party a/k/a The Florida v. Georgia Game.  I am SOOO EXCITED!!  I cannot even tell you!  The will be my hubby's first University of Florida football game and its one of the best!!  The only bummer is - its not at The Swamp.  Oh well, just an excuse to go to another game! :)  The best part, we didn't even have to buy tickets - someone gave us a pair!!! 

GOOO FLLOOOORRRIIIDDDAAA!!!!! 

Chiropractor

I have been having pain my back on the left hand side, lower than shoulder blade.  It's been going on for about a month now and seems to be getting worse.  I can handle pain that I know is coming to an end (i.e. cramps, headaches, etc).  I can't handle pain that I don't know when its going to go away.  So I decided it was time to go see someone.  I went to the chiro yesterday.  He did a thermal scan, an x-ray and something else.  I know nothing about this stuff :)

After the tests, the first thing he noticed was my neck.  Then he started telling me that vertebrae (nerves) impact everything in your body.  Apparently, the vertebrae in your neck affect "reproductive organs".  I am not entirely sure I buy into this.  He goes on to tell me about a girl who hadn't had her period for YEARS, then after about 6 months of chiro care, her cycle came back.  As long as she receives chiro care, her cycle continues...if she stops, her cycles stops.  What do you guys think?  Related, scientific, anecdotal?   I can't decide.

I go back today to hear all about my x-rays and tests then receive a plan on how to fix me.  I am completely crooked and my collar bones are uneven.  I going to blame it on being a 10+ pound baby, but my mom said nothing went wrong during birth.  When I was little, my right shoulder (my right shoulder sits lower than my left) used to pop out of socket when I was picked up by my arms or hung from monkey bars.  So I have issues.

I just wonder if any of this is affecting my fertility?!?!?!?  Hmmmmmm.

More Surgery Details

I had follicle check on Tuesday and went over the details from my surgery.  He said he found no endo, which is great, but I did have adhesions.  He said they didn't look like they were caused by an infection, but that they were congenital.  I have never heard of congenital adhesions.  Have you?

He said my left filopian tube was kind of pulled away from the ovary, so he fixed that.  He also said my ovaries sit "high".  I thought he meant like high into my chest when standing up.  But no, he meant high to my belly when laying down.  I don't have to have transvaginal ultrasounds anymore because its easier to see my ovaries with a traditional on the belly ultrasound.  It's great!  But I can't help but wonder my stuff is still in a wierd place.

He didn't seem too optimistic that having the surgery would improve our chances, except for the fact of putting my left ovary/tube closer together.  So we'll see.  Dye poured through both tubes, so they are open.

We did another round of letrozole this cycle (CD3-8).  I had two follicles, one on each side.  This is cycle 5, I believe, of letrozole.  How many can you do?  I haven't discussed this with my RE yet.  He's been SOOO GOOD about not throwing IVF and IUI out there...I don't want to tempt him. :)  You know REs can't help themselves.  I really do like him though.

Being patient is not my thing.  I want to be pregnant now!

Lap Today

I had my lap today. I am feeling pretty good besides the dizziness when I stand.  Percocet and I have a love hate relationship.  I didn't actually get to talk to my doctor...and God bless my husband he tried.  Thid is all I know:

i had some scar tissue around my left tube. i assume this means adhesions? aren't they the same thing?

i do not have endo. whoo hoo.

my uterus sits "high" and so do my ovaries. i am not sure what this means?

both of my tubes are open.

i cannot wait to talk to the doctor myself and see the pictures.  i am glad i had it done.

***i typed this in my cell phone and on drugs....be nice about the punctuation and grammar***

Quick Takes

1 - I have a lap scheduled for next Friday with my RE.  Is it crazy I'm kind of excited?!?!  I think he was a little hesitant to do a lap this "early" in my treatment, but he agreed.  Whoo hoo!

2 - I am finally taking a certified exam (for my job) that I should've taken 2 years ago.  I am such a procrastinator.  Although I do remember why I hated school.....I HATE to study! 

3 - We're going to the local farmers market this weekend.  We love going and getting yummy local food.  Hopefully we can go and beat the storm.  Hurricane Isaac went back out into the Gulf and is now heading its way here (thankfully not as a hurricane).

4 - I am tired.  The T3 is helping my energy level, its just helping it at the wrong time.  I  CANNOT fall asleep at night.  I end up staying awake until at least midnight, if not one or two.  I'm not sure if its drug related or anxiety related - which  I seem to be having lots of lately....I'm not sure why.

5 - Obviously this cycle was a bust with my surgery being scheduled, but the big ol' meany BFN doesn't get number 1 priority in my Quick Takes this week.  Screw you BFN!

6 - I am working with my NaPro doctor behind my RE's back.  Yesterday when we were going over what drugs I'm on, I felt like I was in the principle's office.  I told him slo.w re.lease T3, LDN, etc.  He looked up and me and said "Where are you getting these drugs?"  HAHA Sooo busted!  I told him Dr. G, my NaPro doctor and he let it go.  Although he did tell me to stop taking the LDN before surgery.  Good Dr. RE.  At least he knew what it was :)

7 - I found a new love...SUSHI!  The first time I tried it was about 7 years ago.  I liked the first piece I ate, but the second piece was yuck!  I almost got sick right at the table.  Then and there I swore I'd never eat it again.  But I did.  And now I love it.  Although, I'm not sure if you can even call the kind I eat sushi.  Nothing raw and totally fried.  Yummmmm.  I want it now!  I think the hubs should take me to Bentos for dinner tonight!

Bookstore Story - Finally!

I posted a few months ago about an experience I had at a Catholic bookstore. Here it is:

I had visited this particular Catholic bookstore at least once before, looking for a new Missal. I noticed some super cute baby stuff while I was there, because what infertile girl doesn’t notice cute baby stuff?! I was invited to a baby shower a month later, and since the woman’s husband is Catholic, and their first baby was baptized, I thought “Yay! Now I have an excuse to go buy that cute baby stuff.”

I remember when I walked in, the store was pretty empty. I was only one of two people in the whole store, in addition to the saleswoman. While I was trying to decide between bibs, onesies, children’s books and other baby things, a man in the book section asks the saleswoman for help in finding a Church history book. I wandered over to where the conversation is happening, trying to soak up any information I can.

In the middle of the discussion, another man walked in. The saleswoman says “Hi, Deacon.” This poor deacon -- you could tell just by looking at him -- was having a bad day. I loved our deacon back in Salt Lake so deacons are some of my favorite people. We all started talking and the deacon was asked which parish he belongs to. He answered, then also told us that he ministers to prisoners in Flo.rida Sta.te Pr.isons, specifically those on death row. My first thought is “Wow! this guy is brave. That must be a horrible ‘job’.”

The man who was looking for the Church history book spoke up, saying, “What a coincidence.” The deacon looked at him surprised and said, “What?” The man goes on to tell his story:

The man before you now is not the man I used to be. I was not a nice person. I did some things I shouldn’t have and was sent to prison. While in prison, my behavior got worse and I was put in “max”, aka, maximum security. One day a Catholic priest came to max, doing his rounds, and stopped at my cell door. As ashamed as I am to stand here and say this, I was not very nice, cursed and spat at him. The priest did something I did not expect: He said ‘God loves you’ and walked on.

This priest continued to visit me every time he came to max. We built a great friendship. I told him I was Mormon and we talked about the Catholic Church. The priest told me, ‘I will live to see you become a Catholic.’ I laughed in his face. ‘Mormons don’t become Catholics. You’re crazy.’

Eventually, I was released from prison, and went to live with my parents while I got back on my feet. A year later, I met a girl. Two years later, we got married. There was a Cathedral about two miles from where my wife and I lived that always intrigued me. It was beautiful. One day when I was driving by, it felt like God Himself was telling me to go into the Cathedral. It happened to be during a daytime mass. I sat in the back and cried. There are no words to describe how I felt.

The next week, I talked my wife into going to mass with me. She wasn’t so sure what to think about the Catholic church, but I decided to enroll in RCIA that fall. I was so happy when my wife told me she wanted to enroll to. RCIA was a great experience.  We met wonderful people and learned so much. We were baptized during the Easter Vigil. As we were processing back to our seats, I see the priest, MY priest! I was so excited! After the service, I grabbed my wife and made a beeline for him. I asked him if he remembered me, and he said, “Yes, of course.” He was so happy for me, we hugged and cried. It was one of the best days of my life.  A day I will truly never forget.

When he was done telling his story, the saleswoman, the deacon and I are all bawling like babies in this Catholic bookstore. Thank goodness no one else walked in, because they would have thought we were all crazy. The tears rolling down our cheeks weren’t tears of sadness, but of joy. There was a man, right in front of us, who had to through hell and back to find his way to God.  I watched this Deacon go from sad to happy in :02 seconds. He was so excited! Like jumping up and down excited! He tells us he was having a really bad day, and this man's story helped turned his whole day around. He said stories like this man’s are what make his ministry all worth it. Since he mostly works with death row inmates or those sentenced to life in prison, he doesn’t get the happy ending stories like this one. He asked to pray with us and give thanks for God’s love. We all joined hands, the deacon prayed, and we cried even more. It truly was amazing to watch the transformation in this deacon. You could truly tell his whole outlook changed. I will forever be thankful for that day in the Catholic bookstore.

The kicker of this story? The man in the story -- the one who had been to prison and then became Catholic -- that’s my husband. A man of whom I am truly proud, and whom I couldn’t love more.

Friday Quick Takes

1 - I will start off with a bang...I POAS this morning.  BFN.  Great way to start a long weekend.  BOOOO!!!!

2 - Since I got a BFN, I am going to be asking my RE to do the ol' chop chop on my girly parts.  I know he's not a NaPro doc but he would be able to spot if my stuff isn't in the right place and some endo.  If he spots anything, I'll start planning a trip to Omaha.

3 - I am so tired of policitcs!  Yes, I am one of those people!

4 - I started my max dose of T3 (22.5mcg) today after titrating for the last three weeks.  I'm feeling pretty good!  My temps and pulse are a little higher, but nothing out of range.  I am actually considered "normal" now.

5 - I finally wrote out the story regarding the Deacon at the Catholic book store I mentioned a month or two (hell maybe even three) months ago.   I hope to post soon.

6 - I believe a friend of mine either has a gluten intolerance or candida overgrowth, maybe both.  I told her about the GAPS diet and the paleo diet.  Is there anything else I should give her a heads up about?

7 - Work is crazy busy! Beth, stop blogging and work!!!!

God bless!

Quick Takes

1   My husband and I headed to Our Lady of Le Leche again this weekend.  I wonder if we beg our Mother Mary enough if she'll give in like my momma does.  a/k/a give the kid whatever she wants to make her shut up!  Think it'll happen?!?!  No?  Ok, its wishful thinking :)

2  I started LDN on Tuesday night.  The only thing I know is: I'm tired!!  About 3:00 every afternoon, I could literally lay down and fall asleep. At my desk!

3  I start T3 soon (whenever I get it from Ku.bat).  I'm excited!  Maybe it will help with the 3:00 sleepies!  I am however not looking forward to the temping, pulse monitoring, etc.

4  My company is gearing up to get ready to raise money for our Un.ited Wa.y campaign we do every year. I love planning fundraising games and parties.  It makes my job as a paralegal seem BORING!  I love the volunteering opportunities...it gives me warm fuzzies! :)

5  Funny story...my husband was feeling frisky last night (anyone who deals with low testosterone knows this is an unexpected occurrence).  So I was like...whoo hoo...yeah baby!!  I was being a smart as this morning and said "thanks for last night babe!"  He had know idea what I was talking about!!!!!!!  He had taken his A.mbien and had no idea.  He'd forgotten the whole thing!!!  I've heard of sleep walking and sleep eating....but never sleep sex! You either?  You have now!!!

6  My husband will kill me if he reads this blog and sees that ^ !!!

7  Blogging at work and its 5:00.....I'm blowing this popsicle stand!  Bye!!!

Where oh where have my ovaries gone...

I had a follicle check today (CD12) after letrozole, and my RE could not find my ovaries!!!!!!  He tried for a while, had me get up and do a little shuffle, then lay back down.  He told me it might feel silly, but it may just shift things enough for him to find them.

HOW CAN YOU NOT FIND OVARIES?!?!?!?!  He's found them many times before.  They found them 9 days ago for my CD3 ultrasound.  My uterus is tilted back which he says makes the ovaries far away from the cervix/vagina.

The lining of my uterus looks good so he's assuming I at least have a follicle or two and told me to trigger tomorrow.  He gave me the option of sitting this month out, but also added the trigger shot wouldn't hurt anything if I took it without follicles.

I will do my Peak+7 ultrasound and see what it says.  Who the hell knows?!?!

I asked him if this could be a sign I have adhesions or endo...he said no.  I'm not sure I believe it.

On a happier note, there is LOTS of good news flying around the blogosphere....lots of new babies.  I LOVE IT!!

I also had an infertility support group meeting tonight and it was great as always.  It seemed much smaller than usual, but sometimes that is nice.  I met a new lady at the group tonight.  Hi...if you're reading!! :)  I was even stupid brave enough to give out my blog, but it did come with a warning that you may learn way more about me than you wanted.  Its nice to be in a room with people who know exactly what you're going through without offering advice you don't need (i.e. "why not try IVF?" or "i'll be your surrogate").

The only bummer about Catholic infertility groups is I walking away feeling like a horrible Catholic.  So uneducated.  I like to blame it on the fact that I converted, but I think its more likely that I'm just lazy.  I could read more books, listen to more Catholic radio, etc.  I feel like there is so much I don't know about it. I'm not immersed in it like I feel I should be.  So for now I will pray, that will have to work.

NaPro Consult

Thank goodness my NaPro doctor (Dr. G) can talk me off a cliff.  I was doubting the actions of my RE and feeling like I was being treated in an IVF mill.   Dr. G told me what he's doing is OK.  She would do things a little different (i.e. Letrozole all in one day instead of over 5, post peak blood work and ultrasound, etc), but overall she told me to let him do his thing.

I was getting discourage because I feel like he's just doing with me what he does with everyone else, not finding the root of what was wrong.   Dr. G said most RE is in the business of getting people pregnant not worrying about what the cause is.  Doesn't make me feel much better, but to know she's OK with his course of treatment help put my mind at ease.

Dr. G recommended no surgery right now (although would support me if I wanted it).  She said I have too many other things to figure out that could be causing my infertility.  I still have TEBB after a round of antibiotics a few months ago.  She told me I needed to rule out a food intolerance, infection or hormone imbalance (I can't remember what else).  

She thinks I may have had a LUFS cycle last month because of that big ol' cyst.  She told me not to take Ayges.tin anymore.  If I have a cysts in the future I should take progesterone 200mg IM injection.  

She also recommended Ammoxicilan, sustained release B6 (500mg nightly) and Mucin.ex (600mg twice daily) to help with peak type mucus.

She also asked if I was interested in LDN or T3.  I'm not sure about either of these.  She said she would e-mail some information to me about both and let me decide. She was hesitant to give me another pill, however I would take any number of pills to feel better!  How does everyone keep their pills straight?!

I'm glad I spoke with her.  She help me put things in perspective and let me know its not the end of the world.  And I'm almost certain that all of you who have been actively trying for way longer than me with medicated cycles want to punch me in the face. So, I will try to shut up and look at things realistically.  This failed cycle is not the end of the world, although I'm sure I'll have a good cry.

Torn

TTC is not for the weak of heart.  It's hard, trying and breaks your heart almost daily.  Mostly it sucks ass.

I am on my second cycle of Letrozole and I have a feeling AF is right around the corner.  I am supposed to POAS Friday, but I doubt I'll get that far.  I am at a crossroads and feel like I need to make a decision (or it could just be PMS).

I am being treated by an RE, but I have a NaPro doctor I keep updated on everything the RE is doing.  She fills in the gaps, if needed, but mostly she lest the RE do his thing. I feel like I'm being treated like a quick fix. Our RE is actually supportive of no IUIs and no IVF, but I don't feel like he's digging for the cause of why we're not pregnant.  My bloodwork is good, except for a little low progesterone and estrogen post peak (my NaPro doctor has me check it).  I am on Metformin because I didn't respond well to Letrozole without, although my blood sugar/insulin levels are within normal and I don't have polycystic ovaries.  According to an HCG, I do have one blocked tube, but they believe it was just the sphincter muscle locking up.

So my question is this: do I continue with what I'm doing (Letrozole, HCG trigger shot) and just be patient or do I have my NaPro doctor switch my treatment to Omaha and Dr. Hilgers?  She doesn't do things by the book, I've never had a full cycle blood draw, etc.  Our family is $1,500 away from our out of pocket maximum for the year.  It's very tempting to run to Omaha for surgery knowing that is all I would have to pay (that is if they take BCBS).

Surgery has been in the back of my mind since the HSG.  Always a nagging feeling.  I'm not sure if its God trying to get through my stubborn skull, or if its just my inpatience and insecurities that make me want to have my insides messed with.

I'm just confused, I like my RE and feel like I'm in good hands, but what happens in 3-6 months when the Letrozole isn't working?  What will he recommend?  Or is it going to be the same $400 per month for two ultrasounds and a trigger shot that takes 15 minutes?  I have no insurance coverage for treating infertility, but all the testing and diagnostics are covered.  Unless I wanted to do IVF and that's covered!!! STUPID STUPID STUPID!


Help me!

Quick Takes

1.  My husband is dragging me to see Abrah.am Linc.oln Vam.pire Kil.ler this weekend.  I know, I know you are all super jealous! GAG!

2.  I am on month two of Letro.zole.  I had two pretty little follicles yesterday, a 20mm and 21mm, one on each ovary.  They gave me a trigger shot and the doctor told me to "go home and get busy"!  Yes, those are the words my doctor spoke.  I laughed out loud.

3.  My hubby's birthday is in a couple of weeks.  I'm trying to think of something fun to do.  Its on a Sunday, so I have the day off.  He'll be 43 and is being a baby about it...so I think I may take him to the Foun.tain of Youth in St. Augustine.  He's never been and I think its kind of funny!!!  Would you do it?

4.  I'm in a whiney "I want a baby" stage.  I need to suck it up.

5.  I'm also in a blog funk.  I am soo boring that I have nothing to post about.

6.  Although, my hubby and I have an amazing story...that took place in a Catholic book store, involving a deacon, prison and lots of hugs and tears.  One day I hope to share it with you.

7.  In a total non-catholic moment, I got sucked into the Fift.y Shade.s of Gr.ey series.  The story is actually really good (seeing the best in people, unconditional love, second chances, etc), but could use some scaling down on the raunchy bits.

CD3

I was bummed when AF arrived a couple of days ago.  I had hope, but realistically knew that getting pregnant on the first medicated cycle is unlikely.  So we trudge on.

I had my CD 3 ultrasound today.  They found a big ol' 3cm cyst (I think he said centimeter, but could've been millimeter).  He said it could effect my period.

This may be too much TMI, but I want to document all this stuff.  My periods go like this:

CD1 - CD2: medium flow
CD3: stops completely
CD4 - CD7: very light mostly just spotting

When the RE started to explain that this cyst is secreting hormones that are preventing me from releasing the lining of my uterus, it made sense.  But this is not unusual for me.  So was I ovulating every month but not shedding the lining?  Who knows.  He did say that if the lining isn't shed(ded?) properly, implantation would be nearly impossible even if we happen to conceive.

So this is what he decided to do: Ayges.tin (essentially progesterone) for 14 days.  Once I stop that, I should get a period with in 1-3 days.  I am to start Letro.zole on the 5th day after stopping the Ayges.tin and then having an follicle check.

I did read Ayges.tin can be used as birth control, which made me hesitant to use it, BUT chances are I'll be spotting the whole time anyway (i.e. NO SEX). lol

Anyone have experience with this?

Chart Confusion

You would think that after almost a year, I would have this chart thing down.  Well....I don't.

Some of this will be repeat, but I need help!

CD4-9 - Letrozole (5mg)
CD12 - Follicle check (12 or 13mm on RIGHT ovary)
CD12-16 - Letrozole again (5mg) and start Metformin
CD16 - Follicle check different doc (26mm on LEFT ovary and HCG trigger shot 5000iu)

According to my Creighton chart it looks like peak day would have been yesterday CD19.  According to my BBT chart I ovulated on CD16.

So my questions are:

If I had the HCG shot on CD16, could peak day really be yesterday?  Wouldn't it be sooner?

Could I have ovulated BEFORE the trigger shot?  If so, what did that doctor see?  Corpus luteum maybe?

If I did ovulate from the right ovary before the trigger shot, could he have forced the left ovary to ovulate also?  My assumption is no, but thought I'd throw it out there.

When do I get my P+7 blood draw?!?!  Go with Creighton chart or temperature chart?

Thanks!!

2nd Follicle Check

I had my second follicle check on Saturday.  I had a 26mm follicle.  I'm not sure if it was the same one from Tuesday because it was on a different ovary (supposedly).

They gave me a 5000iu HCG trigger shot and told me to go home and get busy!  So we did just that!  We're not horn-balls at my house, so 3 days in a row 'bout killed me and my DH.  HAHAHAH!

I've read conflicting information on 26mm follicles.  Some say that is "too ripe" and some say it could be a cyst. What does NaPro say about that size?  I've e-mailed my NaPro doctor during this process but haven't heard from her.  I'm wondering what NaPro people do in this situation.  Do they receive progesterone support?  I have orders for a P+7 blood draw, should I do that?

My RE said not to do anything and take a pregnancy test on May 20th.  I'm supposed to POAS whether or not I'm bleeding.  If I go back to how my cycles were before HCG LP support, I will probably start on the 16th.

This is going to be the worst TWW ever!!!

Follicle Check

I took Letrozole (2.5 mg twice a day) from CD4-9.  I had my follicles checked today CD12.  It was a disaster from the beginning.  First of all I get to the office at 7:00am and the door is locked.  I call the office and it goes to another office and they tell me the doctor is on the way.  My doctor travels from office to office and went to the wrong office this morning.  He didn't get to me until 7:45am.  It's a good thing he's so nice...and apologized!!  Then after the ultrasound my DH forgets his coffee mug in the office, so we go back.  We get to the car and start to drive off and I realize I left my prescription and some other docs in the office.  Had to go back up.  Gheez!

The ultrasound was uneventful.  The doctor found my left ovary pretty easy, but the right one was hiding.  He eventually figured out they were right next to each other.  How does this happen?!  He found two follicles on my left ovary one 12mm the other 10mm.  He basically told me anything 10mm or less doesn't count.  So after 6 days of Letrozol I have ONE follicle.  WTH!  ONE!!!  I thought for sure I'd have 2-3....but noooo.  We are dealing with low sperm counts here, I want as many targets as possible.

So I start Letrozole AGAIN today.  I will take it today through Friday and have another ultrasound on Saturday.  He's expecting that the 12mm follicle will grow and should be 20mm by Saturday and then I'll get a HCG trigger shot. He also told me to start taking Glucophage, 2000mg daily.  That sounds like a lot to me!  My sugar levels are fine as is my A1C, he just thinks it may help me ovulate and react to the drugs better.

I wonder if I ever ovulated at all on my own?  It feels good to finally be doing something but at the same time its discouraging.  Just have to wait and see, I guess. 

First Medicated Cycle

Stupid AF appeared like I knew she would on Friday afternoon.  My new RE wanted me to call their office when I started.  I didn't start until 4:30pm Friday and their office closed at 4:00pm.  Dang it!!!

So I called Monday morning knowing they usually start meds like Clomid & Letrozole on CD3 .  He put me on Letrozole 2.5mg twice a day, CD3-8 (although really CD 4-9 for me).  I go in for an ultrasound on Wednesday to check the ol' follies.  Hopefully we've got something good cooking in there!! :)

I'm putting a lot of hope in this first medicated cycle.  More than I know I should.  Statistically, I know it takes a few months for these types of drugs to work (typically), if they ever do...but positive energy can't hurt right?!?!

So far I haven't experienced any side effects from the Letrozole.  Thank God.  I am curious to see what happens with my mucus though.  I'll start taking Mucinex in the next few days just in case.

I'm already dreading the TWW.  It's going to be the longest of my life!

Hope

Sometimes I hate having hope.  Today is one of those days.  We've all had those times where we know hope we are pregnant.  Something was different this cycle.  Pre-menstrual symptoms are different.  Something!

Then you realize, its never different.  CD1 will come whether we have sex in a different position, take 100 different vitamins, stop eating gluten, stand on our head, cross our eyes, or beg God...it will still come!  I had hope this month.  

We had great timing.  We found out DH has sperm (whoo hoo!).  I just "felt" it.  But today I can tell AF will be here tonight or tomorrow no matter how much I wish it away.

I'm not good at spending time in prayer.  I say quick prayers for others.  I (and DH) pray before every meal in thanksgiving, but spending time alone with God is not something I'm good at.  So last night as I was laying in bed, God and I had a "talk".  Well, it's like a lot of other situations...I talked, he listened. 

I tried to explain to God, that I want to have the strength and courage to say to him "if it be Your will" but I don't.  I'm human: I want what I want, when I want it.  My head says "you can do nothing without God Beth, babies are miracles" but my heart still begs to be a mother.  I know in my head that nothing can be done without God either because he wills it or allows it, but my heart doesn't understand why.

Am I making any sense?

Maybe this is what IF is supposed to do for me.  I know I have no control and cannot will something in to reality even if I wanted to, but the hopeful/desperate part of me will not allow me to release control and say "if it be Your will"....because what if he says no.  

We have SPERM!!!

We had a first SA done today and we have sperm!!!  Thank you God!  I am so happy!!!!  It could have gone either way with DH's low testosterone issues.  I am so relieved. :)

We had the SA done at our new RE's office (after sex at home with collection condom).  He called us with the results at 7:00pm.  He was on his way home, but said the count was about 14 million motile sperm (not great, but not bad either).  He is now on 4000ius of HCG weekly and it should help his count. We have to do a re-test in about 3 months.

When the doctor called, he started off with "we'd have the most success with insemination with that kind of count" but as soon as I said we're not up for insemination, he said "ok, I know every couple is different".  I almost fell out!  Then we started talking about what to do about it.  He wants to do a cycle of clomid with ovulation monitoring and a HCG trigger shot.  He is really concerned with our timing.  Apparently, the fewer sperm you have, the more timing is important.

He did mention a few other things, like tube blockages and endo, but wants to try clomid first.  He thinks my tube blockage was the sphincter muscle locking up and not a true blockage.

I'm excited to start moving in some direction!  I'm still working with my NaPro doctor as my new RE doesn't see the need for post peak HCG...and I.do.  And I love NaPro so I don't want to leave it.

7 Quick Takes

1.  I made an appointment with an RE....again.  A different one this time, so we'll see how it goes.  I'm mostly going to use him to get what I want. :)  My Napro doc wants ultrasounds, etc and hopefully he'll deliver.  We'll see.

2.  I filled out an application to volunteer at our local hospital.  I love seeing all these posts on RR, but it breaks my heart that I can't do more.  So I'm going to help where I can.  The hospital is where I will start.  I requested infants/toddlers, but will do anything they need of course :)

3.  I can't believe Easter is almost here!  I would love to say I'm glad to be without Face.book...and I am to a degree, but boy I miss it!!  I feel like I'm missing out on lots of news.  I love watching kids I used to babysit grow up and start their own life, with their own spouses and babies.  I feel so left out :(

4.  I'm headed to my parents this weekend.  Gonna spend the week in the country.  My husband says its almost as good as camping! ha ha ha

5.  I have to go to a birthday part for a 5 year old boy on Sunday.  Any gift ideas?!

6.  I've taken the gluten free plunge again.  I did it for a few months last year and quit.  I'm back on the bandwagon not only because I hope it helps my IF, but I'm also hoping it helps me lose some weight.  I'm stuck in my weight loss big time.  Even gained a little....shhhh don't tell my doctor!

7.  And because I LOVE this picture....here's an updated picture of my (step)grandson.  He is 6.5 months old now!

Another Catholic in My Family

No, no, its not the happy news I wanted, but its happy nonetheless.

My sister and her husband are being baptized and received into the Catholic church!  Like this Saturday!!  OMG I cannot believe it.  I had no idea.  She called me today and asked me what I was doing for Easter.  I told her I didn't know, we have a friend with a birthday party and of course Easter at our parents.  I asked her what she was doing and her first words were "Well its funny you should ask".  My heart starts racing because of course my first though...OMG she's pregnant* (because that's what I do)!   But no, she tells me they are getting baptized and asked us if we would come.  She's been going to RCIA with her husband (he only has to do confession and receive first communion as he was baptized Greek Orthodox.  she like me was raised mor.mon and has to do everything.) and hadn't told me or my parents or ANYONE!

My parents still don't know.  I believe they may have a coronary.  Two daughters have up and left the Mor.mon church for the Catholic church.  Who would've ever thought?!?!  My mom tried her hardest to drill in the "Catholic church is the great and abominable".  I guess it didn't sink in!

This is where I get a little disappointed and frustrated, but try to reign it in for the bigger picture.  She has an IUD with no plans to remove it.  *Her and her DH do not want children.at.all.  I told her "you know the Catholic church doesn't do birth control, right?"  She said something snarky, which I won't post, needless to say they are no where close to changing their contraceptive ways.  I have thought about starting a Novena to St. Jude as I think this is a hopeless case, but I want to pray for her anyway.

Any ideas on how to handle that situation, or should I shut up and let them handle it with God?

Why does Infertility have to be so HARD?

I love the fact that I’ve chosen NaPro to treat infertility.  I love that it abides by Church teachings.  I love that it has brought my husband and I closer.  Really, I love it.

However, I HATE that it’s so hard and not well known.  My NaPro doc wants me to have an ultrasound to confirm ovulation.  Well I can’t find one.  So there!  I want to go to an OB/GYN or even an imagining facility, but NONE of them do it.  I’ve called about 5 offices and all refer you out to an RE.  You have to go to an RE here in this city to do anything.  The closest one (like 2 miles from my house) pissed me off and I refuse to go back.  There are two more RE offices in the city (both about 15 miles away).  Every OB/GYNs office I called today referred me to one RE.  So I called to schedule an appointment, thinking, just go ahead and get it over with.  They were closed, so I started looking at their website.  Under services, I saw: GENDER SELECTION.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I get an RE does IVF, but seriously GENDER SELECTION?!?!?  WTH!  I haven’t called to schedule that appointment.  But now I’m stuck.

I’m running out of options here.  Compared to where I grew up, Jack.sonville, FL is huge!  Where are all the bloody doctors?!

Do you girls go to REs?  Am I missing something completely obvious?  Something I haven’t thought of.  Should I suck it up and go back to the doctor that tried to push birth control pills onto me because its closer and they have pretty good RNs and PAs and great equipment?

I’m sure most of my frustration is because CD1 should be today or tomorrow and once it comes, everything will fall back into perspective.

Update: Before I even had time to publish, CD1 appeared.

Yuck!

I went to the doctor today thinking I had a UTI, I don't, I have a yeast infection.  I don't think I've ever had a yeast infection in my entire life.  A whole 32 years!  Two week of Biaxin did me in!  She asked me if I had any yeasty discharge, I don't think I have.

It got me thinking though, would a yeast infection mess with your mucus?  Also, does it make sex painful?  Can you even have sex with a yeast infection?  Does it get passed to your DH?

She put me on two weeks of Diflucan and told me to find a probiotic.

Fun times!!!

Baby Dreams Are Making Me Crazy

I have had two baby dreams over the last week.

The first one, I was pregnant and admitted to the hospital for delivery.  I remember having a fight with the nurse about being trapped in the bed by monitors, and that I wasn't going to do it.  I told her no way.  Then we bargained down to 5 minutes of monitoring every hour.  I remember being told I was having a girl and my husband and I agreed on Elizabeth Shayna as a name. I remember being excited, but also not "feeling" pregnant.  Apparently, I was pregnant, but not in labor because they sent me on my way.  My husband was having a fight with the billing department while I was wondering around the hospital.  Then I woke up...weird!

The second one was Saturday night.  I was in the hospital, in labor this time.  My husband, parents and sisters were there.  The longer my dream went on, I think the hospital morphed into a home.  I remember squatting or being on my knees because it was the only comfortable position.  Then I remember telling my dad "I used to think mom was being a wuss when she said standing up was painful because it felt the baby was going to fall out, but now I know she was right".  I remember it being painful and my mom commenting I must be getting close because I sounded like I was in pain.  The only person in the room with me was my dad and he was just hanging out on the couch.  I had the baby, then yelled at my mom (in the other room) to get the doctor.  Then I started hollering at my husband to come in.  He was outside walking the dog.  Who does that/!?!?!?!?  OMG LOL!  The baby was a girl and she was big. We named her the name we want to use for any future girl we actually have.  I remember being instantly in love.  My DH was holding her and my mom and sister come into the room holding bottles of sugar water (they used to give it to babies all the time).  I had a complete melt down and yelled at them not to put any kind of nipple into the babies mouth, I was going to breastfeed.  I was not successful.  So 30 minutes after giving birth, I went to the store to get a nipple shield, thinking that would fix my problems.  I ended up at my aunts house who had a pharmacy in her living room (who knew?!).  Got what I needed and then woke up.

I would like to think these are signs of good things to come, but I think its just obsession.  Oh, I would love for either one of those to be real (except for the part of giving birth in front of my dad, while my husband is walking the dog).

Help! Have I Ovulated...

Can someone pretty please take a look at my chart and let me know if you think I've ovulated?  This is the weirdest cycle I have ever had.  I cannot make heads or tails of it.

I'm thinking no.  I always have at least 5-7 days of peak type mucus (usually in a row).  The only thing I did different was biaxin last cycle for 14 days.  I wouldn't think that would affect this though and I was done with taking them either during the last days of my last cycle of the first days of this one.

Any help is appreciated!!!  Thanks guys!!

Blood Test Results

So I'm posting all this information so I can find it again and so I can get opinions.  I am always curious about other people's blood work and test results, so I'm going to assume everyone else is as crazy as I am too :)

February P+7 (took HCG on P+3, 5, 7, 9)
TSH    1.52
Progesterone    21.4
Estradiol     130

January P+7  (took HCG on P+3, 5, 7, 9)
Progesterone      19.8
Estradiol      172

December - didn't take HCG so didn't have P+7 blood test

November P+7 (took HCG on P+5, 7, 9, 11)
Vitamin B      299
Progesterone     20.0
Estradiol      88

I think I was reading on another blog that you can tell if you ovulated or not by the progesterone levels.  Is that true?  And does taking HCG throw that off?

I'm contemplating having a lap.  I would really like to know for sure is I have endo before I start packing my bags and heading to Omaha.  I am thinking about having a lap local just to be sure. Has anyone ever done that?

I was looking at my chart today and it is the saddest looking chart ever.  I don't think I've ovulated.  I wonder, if I did or if I will.  Guess we'll find out in 9-10 days, because without HCG that's how short my LP is.

Confession and St. Joseph

Confession is something I struggle with.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I do.  I'm not sure if it's coming from a Mormon upbringing, or just the embarrassment of having to admit your sins out loud.  I pray for forgiveness of course, but that's between me and God.  Throw a priest in there, and I'm all sorts of nervous.

I have only been to confession 3 times since I joined the Catholic church.  Not very good statistics.  The first time was the year I was received into the church.  The second was after my husband's affair.  I was so mad.  Mad at my husband for having an affair, mad at God for letting it happen and even madder that I had to go to confession because I was committing some serious sin in my heart because I hated people.  I have since avoided confession and mostly church.  I hated when I went into my last parish feeling mad.  You shouldn't feel MAD when you go to church, so I just quit going.  We went occasionally, but I wasn't feeling it.

So I (and my DH) decided for Lent that we would try and be better Catholics.  Go to church every Sunday, pray more, talk about church more, etc.  So last Saturday, while visiting my parents, we went to confession and mass at the parish in my hometown.  I have only been to mass there two or three times and don't know the priest at all, but he was wonderful!

I was talking to him about infertility and he starts explaining to me that his daughter is worried about the same thing. (He was married had 3 children and his wife died of cancer.  He then joined the seminary.)  We had a good talk about it.  He told me to ask St. Joseph for his intercession.  His thought was God trusted St. Joseph with his son, maybe St. Joseph could ask God to trust us with one of his children too.  He said it a little more eloquently but it made me cry.

He also asked me if I was seeing a doctor for treatment and I told him I was seeing a NaPro doctor.  He knew about NaPro.  A priest in a small red-neck town new about NaPro.  I almost fell out of my chair!  Amazing!

After confession, mass was wonderful and I enjoyed it.  I felt 20 pounds lighter and happier.

Thank you God!

I know you’re not supposed to complain….

about fasting and Lenten sacrifices, but OMGosh I am dying!!!  I gave up Face.book and Diet Coke for lent.  I could live with or without FB, but I do feel like I’m missing out on so much news!

But Diet Coke, my dear sweet, yummy, chemical filled, Diet Coke, I would kill someone for you.  I drink Diet Coke A LOT, like from the moment I get up until I get ready for bed.  I drink lots of water too (and obviously pee a lot!! LOL).   I feel like the song Red Solo Cup….Diet Coke you are my friend!

My name is Beth and I’m an addict.  Admission is the first step right?!?!  It’s depressing!!  I have realized it is a good thing, I don’t like alcohol the way I like soda!  It would be BAAADDDD!!!  Seriously, I would have to be in AA 5-7 days a week! J

Since quitting the sauce last Wed ;-)   I have had almost DAILY headaches and I assume the two are related.  I know it’s bad for you, so I hope after 40 days, I will no longer crave it.  But today, that is NOT the case!  But I will be strong!!   I, I will Survive!!

On a totally unrelated topic, I am on CD 14 and had the crappiest mucus ever!!  Usually by now I’m 3-5 days into my mucus cycle with 10CKL or 10KL, but noooooo, I’m dealing with 6GC and 6B.   I don’t even know how to chart the gummy gluey stretchy crap that is coming out of me!

Thanks for the welcome back after my 5 month long hiatus.  I have missed you guys!

No, I'm Not Dead :)

Blogging has been on my mind a lot recently. I quit blogging after the grandbaby was born and I’m still not sure why? Depression? Denial? Guilt? Probably a little of all. But after a Face.book chat with a fellow blogger, I decided (and she told me) I needed the support.

 I’m turning into a bitter, bitter woman and I don’t want to be. I followed IF blogs and went to IF support groups at our local parish and saw many woman who were battling bitterness/jealousy/life’s.not.fair. I vowed to never be one. Guess what?!?! I.am.one. Life isn’t fair and it sucks. I am jealous and then I hate myself for feeling that way. I just want to cry!! I’m angry and frustrated. In my head, I thought how can someone NOT be happy about a baby coming into the world. It’s a baby for crying out loud. A new living breathing soul, a precious sweet little one. Well after battling IF for 4+ years, I finally get it.

You/I am mad because it’s happening for someone else (sometimes AGAIN)! It’s another blood draw instead of buying baby socks, it’s another ultrasound to check lining and follicles instead of hearing your baby’s heartbeat, it’s another BFN or CD1 (whichever comes first) with a ugly swollen eyes for days cry, instead of a BFP and dancing in the kitchen. Month after month after month, you can’t help but be worn down. Maybe its God, maybe it isn’t. Maybe you’re supposed to learn something, but you can’t figure out what. Maybe….you and I can “maybe” all day, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m IF and there doesn’t appear to be an end in sight.

I’m tired of feeling horrible and down in the dumps. So this is what I’ve decided to do about it. First, go to mass more! Second, quit Facebook (only for Lent, I’m no Saint!). Third, pray more. Fourth, exercise and get back on my weight loss band wagon. And finally blog more!! I’m not sure what I need more, to get all my feelings out, or to know someone else “gets it” and won’t tell me to relax, or to feel the blogger prayers. 

Even though I wasn’t posting, I was still reading and praying for all of you.