Confession and St. Joseph

Confession is something I struggle with.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I do.  I'm not sure if it's coming from a Mormon upbringing, or just the embarrassment of having to admit your sins out loud.  I pray for forgiveness of course, but that's between me and God.  Throw a priest in there, and I'm all sorts of nervous.

I have only been to confession 3 times since I joined the Catholic church.  Not very good statistics.  The first time was the year I was received into the church.  The second was after my husband's affair.  I was so mad.  Mad at my husband for having an affair, mad at God for letting it happen and even madder that I had to go to confession because I was committing some serious sin in my heart because I hated people.  I have since avoided confession and mostly church.  I hated when I went into my last parish feeling mad.  You shouldn't feel MAD when you go to church, so I just quit going.  We went occasionally, but I wasn't feeling it.

So I (and my DH) decided for Lent that we would try and be better Catholics.  Go to church every Sunday, pray more, talk about church more, etc.  So last Saturday, while visiting my parents, we went to confession and mass at the parish in my hometown.  I have only been to mass there two or three times and don't know the priest at all, but he was wonderful!

I was talking to him about infertility and he starts explaining to me that his daughter is worried about the same thing. (He was married had 3 children and his wife died of cancer.  He then joined the seminary.)  We had a good talk about it.  He told me to ask St. Joseph for his intercession.  His thought was God trusted St. Joseph with his son, maybe St. Joseph could ask God to trust us with one of his children too.  He said it a little more eloquently but it made me cry.

He also asked me if I was seeing a doctor for treatment and I told him I was seeing a NaPro doctor.  He knew about NaPro.  A priest in a small red-neck town new about NaPro.  I almost fell out of my chair!  Amazing!

After confession, mass was wonderful and I enjoyed it.  I felt 20 pounds lighter and happier.

Thank you God!

I know you’re not supposed to complain….

about fasting and Lenten sacrifices, but OMGosh I am dying!!!  I gave up Face.book and Diet Coke for lent.  I could live with or without FB, but I do feel like I’m missing out on so much news!

But Diet Coke, my dear sweet, yummy, chemical filled, Diet Coke, I would kill someone for you.  I drink Diet Coke A LOT, like from the moment I get up until I get ready for bed.  I drink lots of water too (and obviously pee a lot!! LOL).   I feel like the song Red Solo Cup….Diet Coke you are my friend!

My name is Beth and I’m an addict.  Admission is the first step right?!?!  It’s depressing!!  I have realized it is a good thing, I don’t like alcohol the way I like soda!  It would be BAAADDDD!!!  Seriously, I would have to be in AA 5-7 days a week! J

Since quitting the sauce last Wed ;-)   I have had almost DAILY headaches and I assume the two are related.  I know it’s bad for you, so I hope after 40 days, I will no longer crave it.  But today, that is NOT the case!  But I will be strong!!   I, I will Survive!!

On a totally unrelated topic, I am on CD 14 and had the crappiest mucus ever!!  Usually by now I’m 3-5 days into my mucus cycle with 10CKL or 10KL, but noooooo, I’m dealing with 6GC and 6B.   I don’t even know how to chart the gummy gluey stretchy crap that is coming out of me!

Thanks for the welcome back after my 5 month long hiatus.  I have missed you guys!

No, I'm Not Dead :)

Blogging has been on my mind a lot recently. I quit blogging after the grandbaby was born and I’m still not sure why? Depression? Denial? Guilt? Probably a little of all. But after a Face.book chat with a fellow blogger, I decided (and she told me) I needed the support.

 I’m turning into a bitter, bitter woman and I don’t want to be. I followed IF blogs and went to IF support groups at our local parish and saw many woman who were battling bitterness/jealousy/life’s.not.fair. I vowed to never be one. Guess what?!?! I.am.one. Life isn’t fair and it sucks. I am jealous and then I hate myself for feeling that way. I just want to cry!! I’m angry and frustrated. In my head, I thought how can someone NOT be happy about a baby coming into the world. It’s a baby for crying out loud. A new living breathing soul, a precious sweet little one. Well after battling IF for 4+ years, I finally get it.

You/I am mad because it’s happening for someone else (sometimes AGAIN)! It’s another blood draw instead of buying baby socks, it’s another ultrasound to check lining and follicles instead of hearing your baby’s heartbeat, it’s another BFN or CD1 (whichever comes first) with a ugly swollen eyes for days cry, instead of a BFP and dancing in the kitchen. Month after month after month, you can’t help but be worn down. Maybe its God, maybe it isn’t. Maybe you’re supposed to learn something, but you can’t figure out what. Maybe….you and I can “maybe” all day, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m IF and there doesn’t appear to be an end in sight.

I’m tired of feeling horrible and down in the dumps. So this is what I’ve decided to do about it. First, go to mass more! Second, quit Facebook (only for Lent, I’m no Saint!). Third, pray more. Fourth, exercise and get back on my weight loss band wagon. And finally blog more!! I’m not sure what I need more, to get all my feelings out, or to know someone else “gets it” and won’t tell me to relax, or to feel the blogger prayers. 

Even though I wasn’t posting, I was still reading and praying for all of you.

Grandbaby is Here!!

The grandbaby arrived on Friday September 16, 2011 at about 12:30pm. He was about 3 weeks early, but healthy. He weighed 6lbs 15oz and 21 inches long. His name is Braxton John. He is purdy! His mom got an infection after birth and her fever shot up to about 107 degrees. They put her on antibiotics and the baby as well just as precaution. They were released yesterday and are doing fine. Baby Braxton's birthday was not a good day for his step-grandma (me). I was not handling it well at all. I thought I had 3 more weeks to prepare. I was mad and a I cried and got into a fight with my husband. I wasn't ready, but I don't know that I would've ever been ready. I think I was living in denial. If I ignored it, it wouldn't happen kind of a thing. But it did happen, and there's a new precious little soul on this earth. So like a proud grandma, since its my duty...here are some pictures:

Words of Advice...DON'T TEST EARLY!

If and when you ever get the pleasure to take HCG shots for luteal phase defect (or PMS)...for the love of all thats holy...DO NOT TEST EARLY! I made the mistake and it SUCKS! I took 2000iu on Wednesday (P+9), by Monday, I was dying. I was P+14, and after googling and googling, me in my infinite wisdom decided "what's two days?" I saw that beautiful "pregnant" pop up in the little window of that test and smiled. I thought AWESOME...first medicated cycle and it worked. In the back of my mind, all I could hear was its two days early Beth...but I again fought it with "what's two days?!". Well apprently two days is EVERYTHING. Because today Wednesday (P+16) I saw "not pregnant" and CD1 showed up about 6 hours later! BOOO!!! Moral of the story...listen to your doctor and DO NOT test early!!! I don't know if it's suprising or not, but I'm actually OK. I was a little sad this morning, but really...did I expect it to work that fast?...NOPE! Did I always hope?...YEP! Oh well...there's always next month. The HCG kept my moods amazingly stable. There were no casualties and no tears. I did have the worst cramps pre CD1 I have ever had. For about the last 4-5 days I've had cramps and with the arrival of CD1 they are worse. I've taken 4 Ibuprofen and they numbed them a little. Not being pregnant sucks, but bleeding for 7 days and cramps, is just adding insult to injury! Now on to bigger and better things....this blogger did what her doctor told her and didn't test until P+17 and look what happened!!!! PREGNANT!! Also, happier things. We finally bought our plane tickets to go to Salt Lake City for Christmas. We're not going for the grandbaby's delivery in 3 weeks. I didn't want to go, but I did try and encourage DH to go, but he didn't want to either. So we decided to wait until Christmas and kill two birds with one stone. We'll be gone for two weeks and I'm so excited to finally take a vacation!! Other than a day or two here or there.

I promise I haven't abandoned you....

I'm still here! I've tried to step back for a while...although I still read blogs almost everyday. I'm really trying not to dwell on my own infertility. I have hope and just KNOW one day I'll be pregnant, but the waiting is difficult (as many of you know). I'm P+9 today and I feel NORMAL!!!! Usually by now I want to kill everyone and myself! My poor husband doesn't stand a chance during PMS time....but not this month!!! I heart HCG! Its my miracle drug. I would like to hope that the first medicated cycle out of the gate will be our month, but come on, who am I kidding! It never works that way. A girl can dream right?!?!?! My step-grandson is due in 4 weeks. The closer it gets the harder it gets. The more the mom starts complaining on Face.book, and I just want to yell at her "DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE!?!?!?!" The more we talk to my step-son, the more it sounds like she WANTED to get pregnant. He was apparently bamboozeled, but they're teenagers, so who really knows. They just don't get it. Sometimes life is not fair!

Oh Florida How I Love Thee...

There's nothing better! Take a look at this....

Finally, a true map of Florida that explains this weird, but wonderful state...



I was raised where the red "Rednecks" are located! I now live in a blue "Old Rich People" area. I can assure you though....I'm not rich and not OLD. Although now that I think about it, maybe I am, I am going to be a grandma after all.

I have absolutely nothing to blog about, that really matters. Sorry I've been away for so long. I'm still reading everyone's blog and trying to comment, although I feel I have nothing to say other than "praying!".

A few updates:
We're battling the pharmacy to cover my HCG (a losing battle I'm sure). We're having problems logistically trying to make a baby, battling low testosterone and all that comes with it. I can say I love my NaPro doctor. She called me on Saturday, ON A SATURDAY and talked to me for about 30 minutes. No charge! That never happens...NEVER!